I used to be pretty happy with the person I was. I used to think I was pretty well adjusted and able to cope with most things that life threw at me.
I don't think that any more. And I don't think I like me.
Why?
Over the weekend we visited my in-laws. Now, I love most of my in-laws. I think they're awesome. I'm especially fond of DH's aunt & uncle who are his godparents and their kids. We don't get to see them too often, but were lucky enough to see them this weekend. Their oldest daughter moved up North a couple of years ago and it was really hard on her mom... they were always close... and she married the boy next door (literally... her mom was looking forward to her still being right next door). Anyway, MIL told us a few weeks back that this daughter was pregnant. First kick. Her mother, understandably, is excited that her little girl is going to have a baby... but unfortunately that meant a lot of talk about it when we saw them. Second kick. They don't know we're having problems... I can't hold it against them. Then they launched into a story about their daughter's friend who lives in the same town up North... and is pregnant with #7. Yes, that's right. #7. She's my age. 7 kids. And we can't seem to have one.
Later that same evening the topic of another of DH's cousins came up. She's pregnant with #3. The two she has are hellions. She "nearly died" with #2 (MIL's words... I don't know the story, so I can't comment on the accuracy of that) and her doctor apparently told her she was not, under any circumstances, to have another. Obviously this is a mature and responsible person. So, she can have a 3rd, and we can't have one.
Bitter. Cynical. Jaded. Jealous. These are the words that best describe me these days. Not good.
Worse? I can no longer seem to summon up congratulations for people who got pregnant. At all. Regardless of how long it took them or what they went through.
I had a great little community I was a regular poster in. I just can't seem to bring myself to post there any more. Why? Because I don't feel like I belong any more. These women are moving forward. They're getting pregnant and moving on. They have hope. I have no hope any more. All I have is dispair and bad memories, and in incredible fear that all any further attempts will do is rack up more dead babies who never got a chance because of me.
I don't like that person. She's not very nice. She doesn't have anything to offer except a cautionary tale.
