Long time no see

Wow. It's been a long time since I posted here. Mostly because there's nothing to post about. Still no job, so still no moving forward in our quest. I've gotten to a place where I'm mostly ok with that... but there are days... this would be one of them.

Today I should have been planning a birthday party. I should have been putting the finishing touches on decorations and cupcakes and cuteness. I should have been wrapping two little presents and getting the house ready for a flock of friends and family.

But there was no birth, and so, no birthday party.

D and I are considering getting memorial tattoos. Need to find a good artist and a good parlour... and save our pennies. We have ideas, but aren't 100% sold on them... hard to until we see them drawn up by a tattoo artist, who'll know how best to portray them so they'll translate to a tattoo. We've talked about it in the moments between the darker days lately. It's a bad time of year. April marking the anniversary of the 2nd miscarriage...May with Mother's Day (a pretty rotten day for all the Forgotten Mothers)... June with Father's Day (again... a rotten day for the Forgotten Fathers)... now what should have been a first birthday. Thankfully, we're mostly done our personal dark days until October, once we get through tomorrow.

Then it's just a matter of getting through the days when friends deliver... when friends share news of their pregnancies (or don't, and we find out in less than 'ideal' ways)... and the occasional thoughless comments. In other words, day to day life for anyone who has suffered any kind of loss and is faced with reminders.

Today is a bad day... I'm not really as bitter, cynical and jaded as that sounds. I have a wonderful husband... I have some truly great friends... I have a family that loves me (two, actually... double lucky).

I hope all my bloggy friends are well... fighting their battles bravely... cherishing the victories no matter how small... celebrating at every opportunity... especially when they finally get the prize we all stive for.

Hugs to all of you!

Bittersweet

Last weekend, a friend of mine from HighSchool days had a baby girl.  They struggled for a long time before their miracle pregnancy (apparently there's some truth to the whole "coming off the pill whiplash" thing).  We haven't talked much during her pregnancy, though.  I said when I saw her 12w u/s "She has your chin"!  Turns out I was right with the gender prediction (they didn't find out until delivery).  I'm very happy for her, but again, sad for me.

Last night, a good friend had her baby.  This was a true miracle baby... after 2 years of trying, on a cycle that was med-free and right before moving on to IVF.  She's had a rough go of it, and I'm not sure she ever really 100% believed it was real (although there's no denying it now!)... and I felt bad for that, because I think part of her disbelief may have had something to do with me.  I was pregnant 2 weeks before her.  She was officially due mid-December, and I was due Dec. 1 (yup, tomorrow's going to suck).  Obviously, mind didn't stick.  We didn't talk much about her pregnancy, but we talked.  I went to her baby shower a few weeks ago (heck, I organized and shopped for a group gift... her happiness and good fortune mostly eclipsed my own sadness).  She had some health concerns that meant that she was told she'd be induced at 38 weeks... and she absolutely stunned me by saying that she was going to do her best not to have it happen on December 1st.  I told her she was silly, that some things are more important... but I was incredibly touched that she even thought of it.  We had some pretty frank discussions... I even told her that I want to meet him ASAP and I'll try not to drown him, but I can't promise not to cry.  She's awesome.

So last night her little boy made his appearance, and I honestly can't wait to meet him.  I already love this little guy, and I've never met him.  He's not a relative.  I hope I don't freak her out *laugh*

But it's still bittersweet.  I hope it'll get more sweet and less bitter as time goes by.

Congratulations S & G!!!

Now... off to look up a recipe for something I can make and bring that can make for an easy meal for them while they focus on little D.

A non-IF post

Ok... so this post has nothing to do with infertility, I just felt that I should post something here because it's been too long, and figured I'd make it this because I wanted it to be a little less 'public' (for all that this is a public blog).

So here goes.

Why do some people think that it's mature and acceptable to accuse someone of impropriety, or bad behaviour, or certain actions, by direct words or implications, and then take steps to ensure that person has no opportunity to address the accuser directly on the subject?

5 years ago, I was a member of an online forum.  There was a situation that I felt was silly.  On another forum, belonging to a friend, and with restricted membership (but sadly, not private at the time), I stated that I thought the situation was pathetic.  Not the people involved... the situation.  Well... it got reported back to the first forum as "Mums called all the members here pathetic".  I was also accused of doing things that I'd have to have been pretty farking stupid to do, and which were technically impossible.  And then I was banned, preventing me from defending myself from the slander.  Whatever, did I really want to be part of a group of people who'd believe the worst based on hearsay without looking to hear my side of the story?  Nope.  (now if only they'd stop talking about me... 5 years later *laugh*)

Anyway... while I don't miss the people who chose to bad-mouth me, the events do rankle.  So now I'm torn between pissed off and highly amused by events that came about yesterday.

I moderate a large online forum.  However, I've been taking a break from it for the past few weeks (as much as possible) because I have enough other stress in my life and don't need the petty behaviour that's been going on.  I mean, initially it was coming up to the end of October... then it was because I was being personally attacked (oddly enough, also accused of impropriety)... then it was just because I needed time away from silly arguments and wanted to see if the other moderators would step up or live up to the perception that there's only one active mod.

Unfortunately, I can't get away from it completely, because the email addy on file with them is the same one I have to check daily due to my job search.  So I see that I have private messages waiting for me, and I see the "notify moderator" messages going on and know what kind of pettiness is happening.  And that nobody else is stepping in.

Anyway.  Last night someone who was part of my friends list on facebook overstepped, and another member hit "notify moderator", so I know what was said.  But by the time I saw the message, she had been banned.  I have no idea who banned her.  I don't much care.  She was out of line and knew better.

Anyway, as part of a FB thread with several friends, I stated that I couldn't be sure why she was banned, but imagined it had to do with certain terms that she used.  And in her responses to me, the implication was made that I was blowing smoke and knew exactly why she'd been banned because I did it.  Nice.

But even better?  This same person then removed me as a friend.

1/  a note for people on message boards with a 'notify moderator' function.  Be aware that if you start using the feature a lot with the appearance of targetting one or two specific people, chances are decent that your own behaviour is also going to come under microscopic examination.  Particularly when there have been accusations of favouritism.

2/  Just because you remove someone as a friend, doesn't mean that they can't see your responses to a group thread they're already part of.

3/  It's fairly immature to make an accusation (direct or implied) and then dissallow for direct and private rebuttal.

4/  Do not make accusations or implications of impropriety about me and expect me to be ok with it.

5/  Believe me... If I banned you, I'd be more than happy to discuss why it was done and justify my actions or reverse them as appropriate based on that conversation.  I would own the action and would not say I didn't know the specifics if I had done it.

6/  I'm also happy to hold a grudge if I feel I've been maligned, abused, or treated badly.  People who undertake such actions are not worth my time and energy and will not be missed.

Ah... feels good to get that out.

A sad anniversary... and a new year

I posted the first part of this yesterday in a forum I frequent, so apologies to those who've already read it.  I wanted to record my thoughts here, too.

One year ago we got confirmation that we were
miscarrying after our first IVF. I was a basket case. Actually
collapsed in tears after the news (I always thought that was just
melodrama that you see on TV... apparently not). We had pinned so much
hope on the procedure. We had been so excited when we thought it had
worked. But one short week later to have that snatched away was
devastating. I miss our little boys so much (I can't say why I'm sure
that both implanted... or why I'm sure both were boys... but in my
heart, I'm sure).

So today I'm remembering, and honouring their
memory. The memory of the time we had with them. The memories of all
the 'firsts' we've missed this year.... first breaths, first cries,
first smiles, first steps, first summer, first autumn, first halloween.

I'm
choosing to take comfort in the fact that today is also the anniversary
of the loss of my paternal grandmother. One of the strongest women I've
ever known, with a wicked sense of humour, and a very grounded view of
life. The youngest 80-year-old I ever knew. And I trust that somewhere
she's taking care of her great-granchildren.

Unfortunately, the day continuted yesterday after I wrote that... and it got a lot less philosophical and a lot more raw.

My mother called... to remind me that it was the anniversary of my grandmother's death and I should call my father.  Thanks Mom... I actually remember that it's my grandparent's anniversary... why can't you remember that it's your grandchild's?  True, they never 'met' the ones we lost, but were they not excited at the prospect of being grandparents?  Were they not upset to have that prospect snatched away?  I guess not.

I spent the day trying to keep busy... it didn't work so well.  Several soggy interludes.  When D came home, we had some shared soggy time.  We snuggled the teddy bear we bought for them when we first knew I was pregnant.  We talked of how much we loved and missed the ones who didn't stay... the ones who never had a chance to live.  My sense of failure.  Wondered what we'd done to piss off the Universe so much.  Wondered if we'd ever have a child of our own to hold (he assures me that it WILL happen).

And how tired I am of picking up the pieces when all I want is to pick up our child. *sigh*

But... true Celt that I am... today begins a New Year.  A year that will not be devoid of painful reminders and days that plainly suck, but a year that will hopefully also contain days of pure joy, and I hope, the ability to rejoice in my friends' good luck without being sucked into our own bad luck.

I'm hoping for a karmic pay-out ;)

How hard can it really be?

So I got mail today.

An invoice.  From the clinic.  Telling me that the payment for annual embryo storage is "DUE NOW" (yes, in block caps.  Bold, too).

To Recap:  In October last year we did a fresh cycle.  We ended up with 4 embryos.  We transferred 2 and froze 2 (had I known then what I discovered at transfer of those 2, we would have asked for them to go to blast before freezing and probably wouldn't have ended up freezing any, but that's beside the point).  We paid $800 for freezing and 1 year of storage.

2 months later, in December, following the first miscarriage, we transferred the 2 remaining kidsicles.  No more frozen.

In March, we did another fresh cycle.  Ended up with 9.  We transferred 2, froze 6, and waited for the 9th to hit blast, which it didn't.  Again, we paid $800 for freezing an 1 year of storage.

So, we currently have 6 kidsicles 'on ice', but only since March.

And now, 7 months later, and approaching the anniversary of our first loss, we're being told that if we don't pay $275 immediately we need to tell them how to dispose of them??  WTF?!

How hard is it, really, to get the fucking paperwork right?

**update**
Just got off the phone with the accounts folks at the clinic (for whom I had left a rather upset voicemail).  They will follow up with the lab, but verified with my file that we DID pay in March and that we DID NOT have any frozen left from last October.

But the question remains... the lab would have known when they thawed the 2 in December that there were none left in that 'jar', so why did they leave the account open??  This shouldn't be allowed to happen.  I didn't need a reminder right now of the loss we suffered a year ago.  I didn't need a demand for money we don't have.

Happy October?

Yeah... it's a question.  This month has 2 sad milestones... our first transfer... and the loss of those embies.  Add to that poor D's day at work yesterday.  Ok, technically September, but it's something that's going to drag on for the next 2 weeks.

D sent me a text yesterday (as he often does when he's late leaving work)... and specifically asked for a hug.  Bad sign.  I met him at the door when he got home, and he just burst into tears.  Now, you have to understand, my boy doesn't cry.  He bottles.  But yesterday was an exceptionally bad day for him.  I'm not sure of the details (because he also doesn't talk), but what I did gather was this... yesterday he had to deal with a family who were angry because items had been removed (by cemetary staff) from the crypt of their 3-year-old child.  I'm sure you can imagine the emotion involved for the family.  Bad situation in the first place... worse situation when you throw in the emotionally charged atmosphere... and worse still when you factor in that 1 year ago we were doing our first fresh IVF cycle and were full of hope that would be trampled on a short time later.  D tries to hold it together for me, but I know he's had a rough year of it, too.  Not only with all of what we've been through, but in trying to be strong for me, and seeing me fall apart over and over again.

So, I'm going to try to make myself a promise.  I'm going to let myself be as miserable as I feel the need to be this month, but October 31st is New Year's Eve, in true Celtic fashion. But... I'm also not going to beat myself to a pulp if I slip... if I have a bad day... if I break down.

I have no doubt it's going to be difficult.  There are several friends who are due in the next few months.  Our own second due date looms on the horizon.  There will doubtless be more announcements. I still don't have a job.  We are facing the very real possibility of losing our home if I don't have one by the end of January.  But I'm going to try.  I've wallowed for a year.  I don't want to be the bitter infertile any more.

Wish me luck!

3 years

Happy Anniversary!

Oh wait... perhaps not so happy. As of today, we've been 3 years hoping and praying for a child to love. Yay us. And what's this I see on the horizon? AF... yep, Mother Nature, the bane of my existence seems to have decided to add insult to injury and show up today as an anniversary present. Wench.

Birthday Girl

Here we are. Another year older. Another year childless. A few more emotional scars. A lot more experiences that give me grounds to relate to even more people.

Here's hoping the next 12 months bring something wonderful into our lives.

I don't think I like me any more

I used to be pretty happy with the person I was. I used to think I was pretty well adjusted and able to cope with most things that life threw at me.

I don't think that any more. And I don't think I like me.

Why?

Over the weekend we visited my in-laws. Now, I love most of my in-laws. I think they're awesome. I'm especially fond of DH's aunt & uncle who are his godparents and their kids. We don't get to see them too often, but were lucky enough to see them this weekend. Their oldest daughter moved up North a couple of years ago and it was really hard on her mom... they were always close... and she married the boy next door (literally... her mom was looking forward to her still being right next door). Anyway, MIL told us a few weeks back that this daughter was pregnant. First kick. Her mother, understandably, is excited that her little girl is going to have a baby... but unfortunately that meant a lot of talk about it when we saw them. Second kick. They don't know we're having problems... I can't hold it against them. Then they launched into a story about their daughter's friend who lives in the same town up North... and is pregnant with #7. Yes, that's right. #7. She's my age. 7 kids. And we can't seem to have one.

Later that same evening the topic of another of DH's cousins came up. She's pregnant with #3. The two she has are hellions. She "nearly died" with #2 (MIL's words... I don't know the story, so I can't comment on the accuracy of that) and her doctor apparently told her she was not, under any circumstances, to have another. Obviously this is a mature and responsible person. So, she can have a 3rd, and we can't have one.

Bitter. Cynical. Jaded. Jealous. These are the words that best describe me these days. Not good.

Worse? I can no longer seem to summon up congratulations for people who got pregnant. At all. Regardless of how long it took them or what they went through.

I had a great little community I was a regular poster in. I just can't seem to bring myself to post there any more. Why? Because I don't feel like I belong any more. These women are moving forward. They're getting pregnant and moving on. They have hope. I have no hope any more. All I have is dispair and bad memories, and in incredible fear that all any further attempts will do is rack up more dead babies who never got a chance because of me.

I don't like that person. She's not very nice. She doesn't have anything to offer except a cautionary tale.

An Anniversary

One year ago today, D and I found ourselves at our clinic, fighting with our original RE's secretary about who had canceled our appointment. It sure as all hell wasn't us... why would we show up for an appointment we canceled? Oh right... we wouldn't.

In the end, our RE said she'd stay a little later to meet with us.

We were there to get the results of all our testing and to find out our diagnosis and prognosis.

One year ago today we were told that our only hope was IVF. Not drugs and timed intercourse. Not IUI. Not drugs and IUI. Straight to IVF.

It's been a crazy year since then. Trying to come to terms with the diagnosis of borderline motility with high DNA fragmentation (but good morphology, go fig). Coming to terms and moving forward. Having a cycle postponed due to a cyst. Going through medication, monitoring, retrieval and transfer. Getting the wonderful call... tempered with extreme caution. Miscarrying. Going through a frozen cycle. Getting the bad news of its failure on New Years Eve. Transferring to another RE when ours left the clinic... after much angst and debate. Trying another fresh cycle, throwing everything possible at us to maximize our chances. Getting a phone call telling us the result was negative when it was only inconclusive. Making it past the point where we lost the first... only to find out that we had lost these, as well but my body hadn't clued in. Seeing countless friends, family members, and co-workers achieve what we were apparently incapable of.

And then the crowing glory... losing my job and having to put everything on hold indefinitely. Again.

Grief. Angst. Heartbreak. Hope. Sadly, progressively less of the last and more of the previous.

Another significant date past. Next up... our birthdays. Another year with no child to share them with. Then the 3 year mark.

It's going to be a rough summer... hopefully I can at least find a job so we can get the ball rolling again. C'mon Fate... throw me a bone!

June 28th...

Yesterday sucked. Actually, the whole week sucked. Rather than looking forward to June 28th with excited anticipation, I was instead reminded of how my body has failed us.

To my little ones who left before we even had a chance to know you... I love you, babies. I always will. I miss you. I miss learning your personalities. I miss knowing your smiles. I miss seeing your first steps, first words, first teeth, first everything. First breath. Yesterday was your 'estimated due date'. Not a day has passed in the past week that I haven't shed tears for lost life, lost hope, lost dreams... my little lost children.

I love you. Always.

I am eternally glad for the true friends I've met and made through this journey. Friends who made damn sure I wasn't alone last night... who offered distraction, but also let me cry. You have helped me more than you will ever know. Because of you I haven't spiralled so far down that there's no hope of coming back... and because of you, I know that when I finally do come back there will be smiling faces waiting for me.

And, to my dear husband... you have saved me. I am so sorry it's been so hard for me to talk about this, even to you. I didn't want you to be dragged back down if you had managed to find peace. I should have known I could have leaned on you anyway, Hon... thank you for reminding me... for your strength, for your courage, for your comfort... for your love. You are the world to me... I'm sorry I've been gone so long. I hope this will be a turning point... that maybe now I can start on the road back to where I used to be. Back to hope. Back to letting myself dream for us. *hugs*

It's official... I'm a horrible person

Yep, that's right. I'm going to brutally honest... I'm horrible. Why do I say I'm a horrible person? Because so many of my friends who have struggled along with me are either currently pregnant or about to start IVF which will probably work... and although I'm thrilled for them to be "living the dream", I can't stop feeling abandoned and jealous and pissed off that we can't even try again until fall at the earliest (employment dependant). I'm a horrible person. I'm sorry, ladies. I don't want to feel this way. I want to just be purely happy for you... and lord knows I'm going to do my damndest to make sure I don't drag any of you down with me... I don't want you to feel awkward around me... I don't want you to not share the little happinesses with me... I just wish it was me.

Things aren't great right now. I'm wondering if I'm doomed to get positives but no babies for the rest of my life. I'm miserable because of being "laid off". I'm worried about my mom, who, in the space of a month broke her foot, and then fell off a ladder breaking a few ribs and her knee. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where to turn. I have no idea what to do now. And I can't seem to stop crying.

Just for another kick in the teeth... a guy I was in gradeschool with who got married in January '07 just had his first kid (first grandchild for a woman who was like a second mom to me)... and I just discovered his brother (who got married last November) and his wife are expecting. Around November. A few weeks before we should have been having ours.

I'm sure it doesn't help that next Saturday was our EDD for our first loss.

So... there's your update. Not a great one, I'm afraid. *sigh*

I'm baaaaaaaack

Hi all.

I'm back from Alaska. Eventually I might post some pics. The trip was awesome.

Coming back sucked in more ways than one.

My second day back at work, I got laid off. Re-structured right out the door. After 10 years. No warning. No notice. Buh-bye.

So now I'm unemployed. This throws a bit of a wrench in the works. The original plan was to try a FET in June or July. The unemployment, however, means we'll have to postpone at least until I have another job, and probably until I've been there for 3 months (or however long probation is). I'd have to take time off around the transfer if I got a job. And if I didn't have a job yet when we did the transfer Murphy says it'd work, which then makes me a poor candidate for employment, I'm thinking.

Damn.

3!

Yup... finally got the call at about 4 p.m. yesterday from the clinic with yesterday's beta results. 3. It's finally over. And as an added bonus, the bleeding seems to have finally stopped!

I know, it's bad that I'm happy with that news, and don't get me wrong... I'm still very sad about the loss of our children... but being trapped in limbo really sucked and I'm glad that we can finally move on and start to heal.

So now we think and discuss... when do we try again with an FET? Do we try on my next cycle? Do we hold off a few months? So many questions.

Luckily, we've got a whole week in the Great White Northwest to ponder and discuss and try to figure it out. We head to the airport tonight (staying at the hotel there) for our flight tomorrow morning... and by dinner time tomorrow we'll be in Alaska. I say by dinnertime we'll be in Alaska rather than on the ship because our flight is due into Anchorage at 2:30 p.m. But that's going to feel like 6:30 (dinner-time) to us. Then it's another 90 minutes or so to the port to check in and go through all the rigemarole to get on-board. And then we wait for our luggage... which will probably be late because it's being processed in the forward hold, and we were just moved to an aft cabin. Such fun!

BUT WE'RE GOING TO ALASKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Have a great week...

Yesterday kinda sucked.

Yup... yesterday kinda sucked. Although, I think the build-up was worse than the day ended up being.

I've spent the past couple of weeks crying every time I saw or heard an ad for Mother's Day. Couldn't deal. Not even a little.

In a way, I was lucky yesterday. My mother is currently in China on vacation (and thankfully unaffected by the earthquake they had!)... so a quick text message on Saturday evening (which was Sunday morning for them) sufficed. I plan to buy a nice bouquet to greet her when they get home on Friday night. Ma-in-law is currently on the road with Pa-in-law driving out to Vancouver to hop a plane to Anchorage to take the same cruise we're heading out for on Saturday. D sent her an email (I'm assuming... I left it up to him). So there was no festivities to try to wriggle out of. D himself was summoned to work, so there was no chance of 'forgetting' and finding ourselves in a crowded restaurant surrounded by happy families.

I decided the best way for me to deal with the day was to pretend it wasn't happening. Probably not the healthiest, I realize. And don't get me wrong, I'm happy for all my friends and aquaintances who had reason to celebrate yesterday... I just didn't feel much like celebrating.

So I had a nice relaxing shower, noted happily that the m/c fall-out seems to be tapering off, painted my nails for the first time in about 3 years (black... like my soul ;) ), and dove head-first into some much needed cleaning in the house. By the time D got home, I BBQ'd dinner, and we parked ourselves in front of the idiot box for the Survivor finale (what a train wreck!) I was exhausted and nearly all the Mother's Day ads were gone from the airwaves.

And today is another day. A day that is happy for having muddled through yesterday. A day that is happy for having finally gotten around to a much needed under-garment fitting session (good grief was I ever wearing the wrong size... by far!!! Thank god the place I went isn't much more expensive than a department store). A day that is happy for having seen a Peregrine Falcon and a pair of Swans flying over my train station this morning (yes... actual wildlife in what is still technically the city! ;) ). A day that is one step closer to a very much needed vacation.

Hope all my bloggy friends are keeping well! And that those who celebrated yesterday had wonderful days!

Another week down... and still not done

So... the good news of the day is that the clinic blood tech managed to find a vein in my arm this morning! Unfortunately, my GP's blood tech was not so lucky 2 hours later and I ended up with a punctured hand anyway ;)

Yup... two blood draws today. The first was yet another beta... the second was to check my thyroid function.

For the beta, today's result was 65 (down a little less than 500)... I go back in a week and hope to hell it's not stalling.

The thyroid was at my request. Why? Well, when I went to the hospital to have the methotrexate, they took my temp... it seemed kind of low for me (I generally run a post-O basal temp of 36.6... it was 36.2... since I was still technically pregnant at that point, and had been up and about for several hours by then, I would have expected it to be at least 36.6. Of course, I haven't remembered to actually take my temp on waking in the 2.5 weeks since to check)... and since it's been a year (give or take a month or so) since my last check, I asked to have it checked before getting a scrip renewal. Of course, Dr. Know-it-all-but-can't-give-a-decent-level-of-care looked at the previous 2.5 years of tests and said that he expects it'll be in range, so he'd rather just write the scrip and call me if the results come back out of whack. What??? You mean you DON'T want to bill the provincial health care folks for another visit for no good reason??? Are you feeling ok? That's so unlike you! But... I took the scrip ;) Then headed off to their lab to have my blood drawn to check it anyway. Of course, the guy 4 ahead of me had passed out, so there was a backlog and delay... guess it's a good thing that my appointment was short and ahead of schedule in starting :)

So... still waiting, just waiting on more, now. Still bleeding, but it's been a different "character" of bleed for the past couple of days. More like a regular period. I'm choosing to take that as a good sign. I just want it to be over by next Thursday so I don't have to devote precious suitcase space to FHPs (Feminine Hygeine Products... D hates the term, and would rather be cryptic about these things, so... FHPs).

Here's hoping!

Mixed feelings

Had another beta this morning (I've lost count). Took them 10 minutes to find a vein in my hand (yes... 10 minutes, and they didn't even look in my arm). Hurt like none of them have every hurt before, too. Le Sigh.

But... the number today was 539. That's down 1510 from Tuesday, which was down just under 1000 from the previous Thursday.

I go back again in 5 - 7 days (whenever works for me).

I have mixed feelings about this. I mean, yes, it's good that the drugs did what they were supposed to do... but it's still a falling number... a miscarriage... another lost child.

It hurts to think about. It hurts more than usual at the moment because next Sunday is Mother's Day. I thought I'd be 7.5 months for Mother's Day. Nope. I thought I'd be about 11 weeks for Mother's Day. Nope on that score too. And D has been told by his employer that he's working next Sunday (in addition to Saturday). I guess they figure he doesn't have kids so he won't mind. I hate that about his employers.... if you don't have kids, you don't have a family. I need him.... precisely BECAUSE we don't have kids. But they'll never understand.

On the up side, if I'm lucky, next week's beta will be the last... and hopefully things will be back to "relatively normal" before we go on vacation (the 17th).

The non-update

I'd love to be able to post an update saying my hCG dropped or that I have to go for a second dose... but sadly, the freakin' clinic never called me yesterday with the stupid freakin' results, so I have no update to share.

Still spotting really really lightly. So, 36 hours of light bleeding and other than that it's just been spotting for a week and a half before & after those 36 hours.

I'm getting really tired of being in limbo... the wallpaper sucks.

Are we there yet?

Ah yes... the roller-coaster ride continues.

TMI alert. This will be pretty graphic and may offend more sensitive readers. You've been warned.

Got up yesterday morning and discovered that after days and days of intermittent light spotting (by 'light' I mean it never made it to a liner) there was finally a sign that the methotrexate had kicked in (or perhaps that the progesterone had left the building... or maybe a combination of the two). Bad cramps.

So, after sending my manager an email saying I would be working from home, I headed off to the clinic for my first follow-up beta. Many cramps. Much blood. At least they only had to poke me once to get their sample.

Drove home. Got home and made a mad dash to the washroom to find that the 'gush' I had felt had accompanied some large clots (well, I had just spent 45 minutes sitting in my car... preceded by 45 minutes sitting in my car, effectively... since it was about 15 minutes from the time I got my parking ticket to the time I left the parking garage and that includes the walk from WCH to the clinic, the blood draw, and the walk back) and some grey matter. I'm glad I was home when that happened. It wasn't a surprise to me this time (not like in October when I saw that and freaked)... it did look significantly different from October. Back then, it looked like a ruptured sack. This looked more like a short section of thin grey rope. (I did warn you it would be graphic and TMI)

Once that had passed, everything got lighter. The bleeding got lighter. The cramps got less and weren't constant. Of course, I also developed a headache, but I think that's a fair trade off.

But... to keep things interesting, I got my call in the afternoon from the clinic with my beta results:

nurse: "I'm calling from Dr. L's office. I have your results. It looks good, the numbers are up again to just under 3,000" (bear in mind, 6 days previously the number had been 1980 and since then I had had the stupid methotrexate injections)
me: "But it's not supposed to be up. I had methotrexate last Saturday."
nurse: {pause} "oh. Well, then we'll just stick with the plan Dr. L laid out and you'll come back in about 5 days for another test. You know, it's not unusual for the number to go up before it comes down again."
me: Yes... but that's why they wait 4 - 6 days before the first follow-up, isn't it?? "Fine, ok... so that's what, Tuesday?"

Yup... still no clue what's going on with that, and it'll be at least Tuesday before I know if they want me to go for another shot or have another u/s or what. Blah. Sucks. Just plain sucks.

And, in addition to all this fun, I've been having cramps in my thighs in the evenings since Sunday (both quads and hamstrings), I've got a blinding headache that comes and goes (but when it shows up it's literally blinding), and my ankles are swollen. My ankles don't swell. I've been on 8 hour flights and not had my ankles swell... my hand, yes, but not my ankles. No other part of me is swollen, just my ankles. Le Sigh.

So... that's the current update. I don't expect there will be much to say until Tuesday, but I might surprise us all ;)

What the....?

Dear Mother Nature,

I realize you have a lot to do every day, but could you please stop toying with me for your own twisted enjoyment?

Thanks
-->Mums_the_Word

So... yesterday afternoon (around 3:00 p.m.) I started spotting. Pink. Good sign, I figure. Several hours later.... still spotting. Awesome, maybe things are going to start moving and I can get some closure. Several hours later... no big dramatic moment, but still spotting. Noon today... no more spotting. None. Not even a little. Not even a faint hint of colour. Nothing.

STOP PLAYING MIND GAMES WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, just had to get that out of my system.

And now I can move on to feeling bad because a co-worker just asked me flat-out if I was off at the end of last week because I'm pregnant and I answered (just as flat-out) that no, I was off because of a miscarriage... the second in 6 months. Poor girl didn't know what to do with herself. And of course, that led to feelings of remorse for being so blunt.

But on the other hand... who the hell asks that question bluntly any more? Bah.