June 28th...

Yesterday sucked. Actually, the whole week sucked. Rather than looking forward to June 28th with excited anticipation, I was instead reminded of how my body has failed us.

To my little ones who left before we even had a chance to know you... I love you, babies. I always will. I miss you. I miss learning your personalities. I miss knowing your smiles. I miss seeing your first steps, first words, first teeth, first everything. First breath. Yesterday was your 'estimated due date'. Not a day has passed in the past week that I haven't shed tears for lost life, lost hope, lost dreams... my little lost children.

I love you. Always.

I am eternally glad for the true friends I've met and made through this journey. Friends who made damn sure I wasn't alone last night... who offered distraction, but also let me cry. You have helped me more than you will ever know. Because of you I haven't spiralled so far down that there's no hope of coming back... and because of you, I know that when I finally do come back there will be smiling faces waiting for me.

And, to my dear husband... you have saved me. I am so sorry it's been so hard for me to talk about this, even to you. I didn't want you to be dragged back down if you had managed to find peace. I should have known I could have leaned on you anyway, Hon... thank you for reminding me... for your strength, for your courage, for your comfort... for your love. You are the world to me... I'm sorry I've been gone so long. I hope this will be a turning point... that maybe now I can start on the road back to where I used to be. Back to hope. Back to letting myself dream for us. *hugs*

It's official... I'm a horrible person

Yep, that's right. I'm going to brutally honest... I'm horrible. Why do I say I'm a horrible person? Because so many of my friends who have struggled along with me are either currently pregnant or about to start IVF which will probably work... and although I'm thrilled for them to be "living the dream", I can't stop feeling abandoned and jealous and pissed off that we can't even try again until fall at the earliest (employment dependant). I'm a horrible person. I'm sorry, ladies. I don't want to feel this way. I want to just be purely happy for you... and lord knows I'm going to do my damndest to make sure I don't drag any of you down with me... I don't want you to feel awkward around me... I don't want you to not share the little happinesses with me... I just wish it was me.

Things aren't great right now. I'm wondering if I'm doomed to get positives but no babies for the rest of my life. I'm miserable because of being "laid off". I'm worried about my mom, who, in the space of a month broke her foot, and then fell off a ladder breaking a few ribs and her knee. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where to turn. I have no idea what to do now. And I can't seem to stop crying.

Just for another kick in the teeth... a guy I was in gradeschool with who got married in January '07 just had his first kid (first grandchild for a woman who was like a second mom to me)... and I just discovered his brother (who got married last November) and his wife are expecting. Around November. A few weeks before we should have been having ours.

I'm sure it doesn't help that next Saturday was our EDD for our first loss.

So... there's your update. Not a great one, I'm afraid. *sigh*

I'm baaaaaaaack

Hi all.

I'm back from Alaska. Eventually I might post some pics. The trip was awesome.

Coming back sucked in more ways than one.

My second day back at work, I got laid off. Re-structured right out the door. After 10 years. No warning. No notice. Buh-bye.

So now I'm unemployed. This throws a bit of a wrench in the works. The original plan was to try a FET in June or July. The unemployment, however, means we'll have to postpone at least until I have another job, and probably until I've been there for 3 months (or however long probation is). I'd have to take time off around the transfer if I got a job. And if I didn't have a job yet when we did the transfer Murphy says it'd work, which then makes me a poor candidate for employment, I'm thinking.

Damn.

3!

Yup... finally got the call at about 4 p.m. yesterday from the clinic with yesterday's beta results. 3. It's finally over. And as an added bonus, the bleeding seems to have finally stopped!

I know, it's bad that I'm happy with that news, and don't get me wrong... I'm still very sad about the loss of our children... but being trapped in limbo really sucked and I'm glad that we can finally move on and start to heal.

So now we think and discuss... when do we try again with an FET? Do we try on my next cycle? Do we hold off a few months? So many questions.

Luckily, we've got a whole week in the Great White Northwest to ponder and discuss and try to figure it out. We head to the airport tonight (staying at the hotel there) for our flight tomorrow morning... and by dinner time tomorrow we'll be in Alaska. I say by dinnertime we'll be in Alaska rather than on the ship because our flight is due into Anchorage at 2:30 p.m. But that's going to feel like 6:30 (dinner-time) to us. Then it's another 90 minutes or so to the port to check in and go through all the rigemarole to get on-board. And then we wait for our luggage... which will probably be late because it's being processed in the forward hold, and we were just moved to an aft cabin. Such fun!

BUT WE'RE GOING TO ALASKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Have a great week...

Yesterday kinda sucked.

Yup... yesterday kinda sucked. Although, I think the build-up was worse than the day ended up being.

I've spent the past couple of weeks crying every time I saw or heard an ad for Mother's Day. Couldn't deal. Not even a little.

In a way, I was lucky yesterday. My mother is currently in China on vacation (and thankfully unaffected by the earthquake they had!)... so a quick text message on Saturday evening (which was Sunday morning for them) sufficed. I plan to buy a nice bouquet to greet her when they get home on Friday night. Ma-in-law is currently on the road with Pa-in-law driving out to Vancouver to hop a plane to Anchorage to take the same cruise we're heading out for on Saturday. D sent her an email (I'm assuming... I left it up to him). So there was no festivities to try to wriggle out of. D himself was summoned to work, so there was no chance of 'forgetting' and finding ourselves in a crowded restaurant surrounded by happy families.

I decided the best way for me to deal with the day was to pretend it wasn't happening. Probably not the healthiest, I realize. And don't get me wrong, I'm happy for all my friends and aquaintances who had reason to celebrate yesterday... I just didn't feel much like celebrating.

So I had a nice relaxing shower, noted happily that the m/c fall-out seems to be tapering off, painted my nails for the first time in about 3 years (black... like my soul ;) ), and dove head-first into some much needed cleaning in the house. By the time D got home, I BBQ'd dinner, and we parked ourselves in front of the idiot box for the Survivor finale (what a train wreck!) I was exhausted and nearly all the Mother's Day ads were gone from the airwaves.

And today is another day. A day that is happy for having muddled through yesterday. A day that is happy for having finally gotten around to a much needed under-garment fitting session (good grief was I ever wearing the wrong size... by far!!! Thank god the place I went isn't much more expensive than a department store). A day that is happy for having seen a Peregrine Falcon and a pair of Swans flying over my train station this morning (yes... actual wildlife in what is still technically the city! ;) ). A day that is one step closer to a very much needed vacation.

Hope all my bloggy friends are keeping well! And that those who celebrated yesterday had wonderful days!

Another week down... and still not done

So... the good news of the day is that the clinic blood tech managed to find a vein in my arm this morning! Unfortunately, my GP's blood tech was not so lucky 2 hours later and I ended up with a punctured hand anyway ;)

Yup... two blood draws today. The first was yet another beta... the second was to check my thyroid function.

For the beta, today's result was 65 (down a little less than 500)... I go back in a week and hope to hell it's not stalling.

The thyroid was at my request. Why? Well, when I went to the hospital to have the methotrexate, they took my temp... it seemed kind of low for me (I generally run a post-O basal temp of 36.6... it was 36.2... since I was still technically pregnant at that point, and had been up and about for several hours by then, I would have expected it to be at least 36.6. Of course, I haven't remembered to actually take my temp on waking in the 2.5 weeks since to check)... and since it's been a year (give or take a month or so) since my last check, I asked to have it checked before getting a scrip renewal. Of course, Dr. Know-it-all-but-can't-give-a-decent-level-of-care looked at the previous 2.5 years of tests and said that he expects it'll be in range, so he'd rather just write the scrip and call me if the results come back out of whack. What??? You mean you DON'T want to bill the provincial health care folks for another visit for no good reason??? Are you feeling ok? That's so unlike you! But... I took the scrip ;) Then headed off to their lab to have my blood drawn to check it anyway. Of course, the guy 4 ahead of me had passed out, so there was a backlog and delay... guess it's a good thing that my appointment was short and ahead of schedule in starting :)

So... still waiting, just waiting on more, now. Still bleeding, but it's been a different "character" of bleed for the past couple of days. More like a regular period. I'm choosing to take that as a good sign. I just want it to be over by next Thursday so I don't have to devote precious suitcase space to FHPs (Feminine Hygeine Products... D hates the term, and would rather be cryptic about these things, so... FHPs).

Here's hoping!

Mixed feelings

Had another beta this morning (I've lost count). Took them 10 minutes to find a vein in my hand (yes... 10 minutes, and they didn't even look in my arm). Hurt like none of them have every hurt before, too. Le Sigh.

But... the number today was 539. That's down 1510 from Tuesday, which was down just under 1000 from the previous Thursday.

I go back again in 5 - 7 days (whenever works for me).

I have mixed feelings about this. I mean, yes, it's good that the drugs did what they were supposed to do... but it's still a falling number... a miscarriage... another lost child.

It hurts to think about. It hurts more than usual at the moment because next Sunday is Mother's Day. I thought I'd be 7.5 months for Mother's Day. Nope. I thought I'd be about 11 weeks for Mother's Day. Nope on that score too. And D has been told by his employer that he's working next Sunday (in addition to Saturday). I guess they figure he doesn't have kids so he won't mind. I hate that about his employers.... if you don't have kids, you don't have a family. I need him.... precisely BECAUSE we don't have kids. But they'll never understand.

On the up side, if I'm lucky, next week's beta will be the last... and hopefully things will be back to "relatively normal" before we go on vacation (the 17th).