You know what'd be nice?

It'd be really nice to not be scared stiff. It'd be really nice not to have to wait for hours after every clinic session to know if the numbers go up or down. It'd be really nice to just be able to return to the days of innocence lost, to live in the happy ignorance of those women who have had no problems getting pregnant, and no reason to think they will have any difficulty staying pregnant.

Alas, it's not to be. Today is technically 4w6d. We lost the last one at 5w3d, so I'm going to be a basket case at least until Friday. That's goal #1... hang on to this beyond 5w3d. Goal #2 is to hold on until the hCG number is high enough for an early u/s. Goal #3 is to make it to T2.

Impeding easy progress to these goals? First of all, blood work. Dragging myself into a clinic that seems to be increasingly overrun with small children to have a blood tech poke and prod at me for 10 or 15 minutes trying to find a vein (at all... one that won't collapse is then the second challenge)... heading in to work... trying to focus while I wait. And wait. And wait. And wait until my phone rings with a "private number"... then trying to ask the questions I want/need to ask knowing full well that my entire side of the conversation can be heard by anyone nearby (there's no semblance of privacy here). Then waiting to repeat it all over again 2 days later, hopefully.

Next impediment... well, the numbers starting out so darn low. I know, I know... it's not the number, it's the doubling that matters. And that seems to be off to a rip-roaring start. Seems to be. But I can't help remember last time, when the numbers tripled, tripled, then merely doubled, and then dropped.

A nice little memory wipe... that's what I need. Restore those happy days of yore when I believed that nothing in the world was easier than procreating.

Bah... I think it's going to be one of those weeks. You know the ones... when you try so hard to focus on the positive, but the more you try to focus on the positive, the more the negative seems to obscure it? Forgive my ramblings... I just need to let it out. It's a frustration thing.

You know what else sucks? Knowing that so many friends who've travelled this road before and with me will be caused pain by this sticking. Sure... they might be happy for me. Hell, I've had so many people tell me I "deserve" this to work (I'm no more deserving than anyone else, and a heck of a lot less 'deserving' than some)... people I didn't even know knew my story. Anyway, they might be happy for me, but there's a tarnish on the glow... I know it stings at the very least. And yes, it might grow to be hope because it shows that it can work... but that'll be a ways down the road. I know this, 'cuz I've been there. I've felt the sting... and then felt horrible for being stung by the success of another woman on this road.

I don't want to cause that kind of conflict and pain in anyone else.

A little bit more...

Today's beta number was much better.... 29. More than triple Friday's... that's a doubling rate of 28.4 hours.

For anyone who might be reading and has no idea what I'm talking about... the quantitative blood pregnancy test is a beta hCG test (beta, for short)... they test to see how much hCG is present. For a viable pregnancy (not miscarrying and not ectopic), they look for this number to roughly double every 48-72 hours.

So... officially, we're pregnant! 4w5d. But... we're gonna be cautious with this. Last time the numbers tripled for the first few betas, then doubled, then dropped and I miscarried at 5w3d. And the numbers are starting lower this time than they did then, too.

And just to confuse things, most of my 'symptoms' have gone, apart from being tired and feeling constantly either hungry, gassy, or queasy (my tummy's not happy... but I'll take it!)

Next beta is on Tuesday, and they'll probably have me in every couple of days until the number's high enough for them to think they might see something on an u/s (should be around 6.5 weeks, give or take)... or until the number goes backwards.

Keeping everything crossed!

A little bit pregnant?

Remember the days when you lived in happy ignorance and believed there was no such thing as "a little bit pregnant"? Oh to live in those days again.

Went for my beta yesterday morning. Having decided as soon as I woke up that there was no way in hell I was going to be remotely productive at work, I called in sick. Lucked out in that they were able to find a vein in my hand pretty quickly for once (as usual, no luck in my arm). In and out of the clinic in about 15 minutes... not, however a short enough time to avoid all the pictures of happy babies... nor, indeed all the babies and toddlers who were there. Le Sigh.

Anyway... nerve wracking day until 2:00 when the phone rang. Aw, who am I kidding... the phone didn't end the nerve wracking-ness of the day. Why not? Because the number was 9.

Here's the breakdown. Less than 5 is negative. 10 or above is positive. Anything in between is that no-man's-land of "a little bit pregnant". So yet again I get past beta day without any definitive answers (last time the number was 18 on beta day #1). So I get to go back again tomorrow (Sunday) for another beta and hope against hope that the number goes up instead of down (which is the direction the nurse's voice says I should expect).

I'm seriously bummed right now. I have no idea how I'm going to get through tomorrow... especially if the result is negative.

Keep your fingers crossed for me? Please?

One more day... just one more day...

Yup... tomorrow's Beta Day. Should be entertaining when I go in tomorrow morning. They have a hard time finding my veins on the best of days, and if anything, this damn Fragmin has made them even harder to find.

Anybody know what they try if they can't find one in either arm or hand? Because usualy they have to resort to a hand for me, and I'm not entirely sure that's going to work tomorrow... so I need to dress appropriately ;)

I have to say... most of me is pretty sure it's going to be bad news tomorrow. I say most of me, because there's a tiny little voice in my head that's listening to DH who is equally sure it'll be good news... and another tiny little voice in my head is pointing out that although I can choose to write off most of what I'm going through to the meds, the increased sesitivity to scents and the associated increase from queasy to nauseous doesn't really fit.

So, in a nutshell... who knows? Le Sigh.

On the plus side... after 13 Fragmin injections, I've managed to get away with only 5 bruises on my tummy, and one unexplained bruise elsewhere (I probably hit something and didn't notice at the time). I think that's a pretty good record!

Focus on the positive, right?

Amazing the things we'll share with relative strangers...

Yup... I was just re-reading some previous posts. I remember being a very shy and reserved person. Heck, for most things I still am. What is it about infertility treatments that takes everything associated with them outside the realm of normal personality restraints and makes us want to share every tiny little detail? Is it the habit of dropping our drawers whenever we see a white coat... like Pavlovian training... we see the coat, we strip from the waist down? Is it a desperation to understand everything we're being put through and hopefully find someone else out there in the ether who knows what we're talking about? Is it a desenitization to such details as cervical mucous, nipple and breast tenderness, ovarian and uterine position, "cooter cams", etc.?

And why the hell am I wondering this? Oh wait... that's right... because I've given this URL to a few people who might not particularly want to know all those tiny little details. To them I say this... don't read any more... just take me out, but me a Second Cup white hot chocolate, and ask me what's going on. I'm much better and censoring myself when I'm actually talking instead of typing ;) Plus, this blog I started primarily for me... because I don't journal well... because I needed an outlet that I could use in those moments when I can't exactly pull out a notebook and start scribbling madly.

like now. It's Tuesday. I've got my beta on Friday. I've spent a week and a half telling myself that all the insanity is just "side effects" of all the varied meds I'm on (estrogen, progesterone, blood thinners, steroids... ). And I just about manage to convince myself, but then I get a new one that I just can't chalk up to it... but then the Mood Swing Express pulls in again and I swing from that vague hope to an absolute certainty that it didn't work this time... and what are we going to do now, because we did everything we should to have it work this time... the embies even looked better than either of the previous 2 transfers and one of those worked (ended badly, but worked)... and then I wonder should I just POAS and then I'd know... except that I wouldn't. Remember last time... + beta, but no + HPT until 5 days later... HPTs just aren't as sensitive, and they're yes/no... there's no grey area... there's no "well, it's over 10, but under 50, so it's positive but low, try again in 2 days and we'll see where the numbers go".

Gah... I wish it was Friday afternoon already so I'd know one way or the other. This waiting is driving me crazy.

In other news, I haven't had a good solid night's sleep since Tuesday of last week, so I'm a wee bit cranky... and tired... and queasy... and tired... and did I mention tired... and wobbly... and klutzy... and tired... and queasy... and tired.... and I'm repeating myself, aren't I?

Le Sigh.

Blah. 10dp3dt

I have no idea what's going on with me. None. No clue.

- haven't slept through the night in about a week
- tired all the time (but that might be a side effect of the first point)
- waves of heat while I try to sleep (but that might be a combination of things... like the cats... or the duvet... or the blast furnace that is my husband... or the meds... or...)
- low grade queasiness almost constantly (but again, that might be the lack of sleep)
- some days when I just can't get enough to drink... and others when I find it challenging to choke down 2L over the course of the day
- definite hankerings... but for things that are bad for me that I've been trying to cut down or out of the intake (like Coca-Cola and chocolate)... and definite "Umm... no thanks" items, but I wouldn't go so far as to call any of those "aversions"
- gassy. Let's just leave it at that. But that could just as easily be a product of the Progesterone injections
- the Mood Swing Express has definitely put our house on it's "frequent service" list. But again, that could be a feature of the lack of sleep
- klutzy beyond belief, and wobbly (I wouldn't go so far as to say "dizzy spells", but definitely moments when the world seems to take a tilt)... but again, that whole sleep thing.
- my nose is going nuts. I'm sneezing all over the place (but don't have a cold or other allergy symptoms)... and I keep smelling things DH can't (although I'm not entirely convinced I'm not having scent hallucinations, either)

DH is convinced that all these things add up to me being pregnant. But I'm just not feeling all that "positive". For one, and I'll admit it's silly, but my boobs just don't hurt. My boobs always hurt in the 2ww... and last time we got a positive my nipples were extremely sensitive and painful... not so much right now (and, in the spirit of doing all things insane, I keep checking *laugh*).

Gah! Why can't it be Friday already????

Are you sure humans don't hibernate???

Good gawd I'm tired. No, "tired" doesn't even really cover it. I'm exhausted. Dead on my feet. Wiped out.

I was kind of tired before, but once about noon yesterday hit I was just crushed under a wave of exhaustion. Could barely keep my eyes open at my desk... didn't relish the thought of walking to the GO Station to find my way home because it meant moving. And moving was NOT something I wanted to do. To much energy required to move. I managed to hang in there until 9:00 last night before surrendering to the exhaustion and heading to bed. But do you think I could get to sleep? No. Of course not. And when I finaly DID get to sleep, do you think I could STAY asleep. Nope. Not a chance. My personal favourite was when my bladder woke me up a mere hour before the alarm was set to go off. And then the cats followed me into the bathroom to tell me (loudly) how happy they were I was finally up. Not very helpful for my plan of making the trip in a sleepy haze of not-really-fully-awakeness so I could still get most of that last hour asleep. So when the alarm finally went off I would quite happily have rolled over and gone back to sleep... for at least the next week... possibly a few months. Le Sigh.

And now, of course, I feel like crap, and I can't tell if it's "side effects of the meds" or being freakin' exhausted that's making me want to hurl, fall over, or drop stuff. Oh yeah... we can add those three things to my list... 'cuz I want to hurl (not seriously run-to-the-bathroom-don't-get-in-my-way hurl, but that feeling in the back of your throat that any second now you might get to revisit breakfast a little bit), if I close my eyes or turn my head too fast I want to fall over, and I'm dropping stuff left, right, and centre. Good Times!

In other news... got the call from the clinic yesterday with the update on our remaining embie. On Transfer Day they had said that they'd freeze 6, but there was a 7th that was growing slowly and they wanted to give it a few more days to see if it reached blast before freezing it. It didn't make it. So... while we didn't really expect it would, and 6 is a better number in terms of 2-embie transfers, and 6 is still an awesome number to have on-ice (3 times what we had last time!), I'm a little sad. Another of our kids didn't make it. :(