Birthday Girl

Here we are. Another year older. Another year childless. A few more emotional scars. A lot more experiences that give me grounds to relate to even more people.

Here's hoping the next 12 months bring something wonderful into our lives.

I don't think I like me any more

I used to be pretty happy with the person I was. I used to think I was pretty well adjusted and able to cope with most things that life threw at me.

I don't think that any more. And I don't think I like me.

Why?

Over the weekend we visited my in-laws. Now, I love most of my in-laws. I think they're awesome. I'm especially fond of DH's aunt & uncle who are his godparents and their kids. We don't get to see them too often, but were lucky enough to see them this weekend. Their oldest daughter moved up North a couple of years ago and it was really hard on her mom... they were always close... and she married the boy next door (literally... her mom was looking forward to her still being right next door). Anyway, MIL told us a few weeks back that this daughter was pregnant. First kick. Her mother, understandably, is excited that her little girl is going to have a baby... but unfortunately that meant a lot of talk about it when we saw them. Second kick. They don't know we're having problems... I can't hold it against them. Then they launched into a story about their daughter's friend who lives in the same town up North... and is pregnant with #7. Yes, that's right. #7. She's my age. 7 kids. And we can't seem to have one.

Later that same evening the topic of another of DH's cousins came up. She's pregnant with #3. The two she has are hellions. She "nearly died" with #2 (MIL's words... I don't know the story, so I can't comment on the accuracy of that) and her doctor apparently told her she was not, under any circumstances, to have another. Obviously this is a mature and responsible person. So, she can have a 3rd, and we can't have one.

Bitter. Cynical. Jaded. Jealous. These are the words that best describe me these days. Not good.

Worse? I can no longer seem to summon up congratulations for people who got pregnant. At all. Regardless of how long it took them or what they went through.

I had a great little community I was a regular poster in. I just can't seem to bring myself to post there any more. Why? Because I don't feel like I belong any more. These women are moving forward. They're getting pregnant and moving on. They have hope. I have no hope any more. All I have is dispair and bad memories, and in incredible fear that all any further attempts will do is rack up more dead babies who never got a chance because of me.

I don't like that person. She's not very nice. She doesn't have anything to offer except a cautionary tale.

An Anniversary

One year ago today, D and I found ourselves at our clinic, fighting with our original RE's secretary about who had canceled our appointment. It sure as all hell wasn't us... why would we show up for an appointment we canceled? Oh right... we wouldn't.

In the end, our RE said she'd stay a little later to meet with us.

We were there to get the results of all our testing and to find out our diagnosis and prognosis.

One year ago today we were told that our only hope was IVF. Not drugs and timed intercourse. Not IUI. Not drugs and IUI. Straight to IVF.

It's been a crazy year since then. Trying to come to terms with the diagnosis of borderline motility with high DNA fragmentation (but good morphology, go fig). Coming to terms and moving forward. Having a cycle postponed due to a cyst. Going through medication, monitoring, retrieval and transfer. Getting the wonderful call... tempered with extreme caution. Miscarrying. Going through a frozen cycle. Getting the bad news of its failure on New Years Eve. Transferring to another RE when ours left the clinic... after much angst and debate. Trying another fresh cycle, throwing everything possible at us to maximize our chances. Getting a phone call telling us the result was negative when it was only inconclusive. Making it past the point where we lost the first... only to find out that we had lost these, as well but my body hadn't clued in. Seeing countless friends, family members, and co-workers achieve what we were apparently incapable of.

And then the crowing glory... losing my job and having to put everything on hold indefinitely. Again.

Grief. Angst. Heartbreak. Hope. Sadly, progressively less of the last and more of the previous.

Another significant date past. Next up... our birthdays. Another year with no child to share them with. Then the 3 year mark.

It's going to be a rough summer... hopefully I can at least find a job so we can get the ball rolling again. C'mon Fate... throw me a bone!

June 28th...

Yesterday sucked. Actually, the whole week sucked. Rather than looking forward to June 28th with excited anticipation, I was instead reminded of how my body has failed us.

To my little ones who left before we even had a chance to know you... I love you, babies. I always will. I miss you. I miss learning your personalities. I miss knowing your smiles. I miss seeing your first steps, first words, first teeth, first everything. First breath. Yesterday was your 'estimated due date'. Not a day has passed in the past week that I haven't shed tears for lost life, lost hope, lost dreams... my little lost children.

I love you. Always.

I am eternally glad for the true friends I've met and made through this journey. Friends who made damn sure I wasn't alone last night... who offered distraction, but also let me cry. You have helped me more than you will ever know. Because of you I haven't spiralled so far down that there's no hope of coming back... and because of you, I know that when I finally do come back there will be smiling faces waiting for me.

And, to my dear husband... you have saved me. I am so sorry it's been so hard for me to talk about this, even to you. I didn't want you to be dragged back down if you had managed to find peace. I should have known I could have leaned on you anyway, Hon... thank you for reminding me... for your strength, for your courage, for your comfort... for your love. You are the world to me... I'm sorry I've been gone so long. I hope this will be a turning point... that maybe now I can start on the road back to where I used to be. Back to hope. Back to letting myself dream for us. *hugs*

It's official... I'm a horrible person

Yep, that's right. I'm going to brutally honest... I'm horrible. Why do I say I'm a horrible person? Because so many of my friends who have struggled along with me are either currently pregnant or about to start IVF which will probably work... and although I'm thrilled for them to be "living the dream", I can't stop feeling abandoned and jealous and pissed off that we can't even try again until fall at the earliest (employment dependant). I'm a horrible person. I'm sorry, ladies. I don't want to feel this way. I want to just be purely happy for you... and lord knows I'm going to do my damndest to make sure I don't drag any of you down with me... I don't want you to feel awkward around me... I don't want you to not share the little happinesses with me... I just wish it was me.

Things aren't great right now. I'm wondering if I'm doomed to get positives but no babies for the rest of my life. I'm miserable because of being "laid off". I'm worried about my mom, who, in the space of a month broke her foot, and then fell off a ladder breaking a few ribs and her knee. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where to turn. I have no idea what to do now. And I can't seem to stop crying.

Just for another kick in the teeth... a guy I was in gradeschool with who got married in January '07 just had his first kid (first grandchild for a woman who was like a second mom to me)... and I just discovered his brother (who got married last November) and his wife are expecting. Around November. A few weeks before we should have been having ours.

I'm sure it doesn't help that next Saturday was our EDD for our first loss.

So... there's your update. Not a great one, I'm afraid. *sigh*

I'm baaaaaaaack

Hi all.

I'm back from Alaska. Eventually I might post some pics. The trip was awesome.

Coming back sucked in more ways than one.

My second day back at work, I got laid off. Re-structured right out the door. After 10 years. No warning. No notice. Buh-bye.

So now I'm unemployed. This throws a bit of a wrench in the works. The original plan was to try a FET in June or July. The unemployment, however, means we'll have to postpone at least until I have another job, and probably until I've been there for 3 months (or however long probation is). I'd have to take time off around the transfer if I got a job. And if I didn't have a job yet when we did the transfer Murphy says it'd work, which then makes me a poor candidate for employment, I'm thinking.

Damn.

3!

Yup... finally got the call at about 4 p.m. yesterday from the clinic with yesterday's beta results. 3. It's finally over. And as an added bonus, the bleeding seems to have finally stopped!

I know, it's bad that I'm happy with that news, and don't get me wrong... I'm still very sad about the loss of our children... but being trapped in limbo really sucked and I'm glad that we can finally move on and start to heal.

So now we think and discuss... when do we try again with an FET? Do we try on my next cycle? Do we hold off a few months? So many questions.

Luckily, we've got a whole week in the Great White Northwest to ponder and discuss and try to figure it out. We head to the airport tonight (staying at the hotel there) for our flight tomorrow morning... and by dinner time tomorrow we'll be in Alaska. I say by dinnertime we'll be in Alaska rather than on the ship because our flight is due into Anchorage at 2:30 p.m. But that's going to feel like 6:30 (dinner-time) to us. Then it's another 90 minutes or so to the port to check in and go through all the rigemarole to get on-board. And then we wait for our luggage... which will probably be late because it's being processed in the forward hold, and we were just moved to an aft cabin. Such fun!

BUT WE'RE GOING TO ALASKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Have a great week...