Yep, that's right. I'm going to brutally honest... I'm horrible. Why do I say I'm a horrible person? Because so many of my friends who have struggled along with me are either currently pregnant or about to start IVF which will probably work... and although I'm thrilled for them to be "living the dream", I can't stop feeling abandoned and jealous and pissed off that we can't even try again until fall at the earliest (employment dependant). I'm a horrible person. I'm sorry, ladies. I don't want to feel this way. I want to just be purely happy for you... and lord knows I'm going to do my damndest to make sure I don't drag any of you down with me... I don't want you to feel awkward around me... I don't want you to not share the little happinesses with me... I just wish it was me.
Things aren't great right now. I'm wondering if I'm doomed to get positives but no babies for the rest of my life. I'm miserable because of being "laid off". I'm worried about my mom, who, in the space of a month broke her foot, and then fell off a ladder breaking a few ribs and her knee. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where to turn. I have no idea what to do now. And I can't seem to stop crying.
Just for another kick in the teeth... a guy I was in gradeschool with who got married in January '07 just had his first kid (first grandchild for a woman who was like a second mom to me)... and I just discovered his brother (who got married last November) and his wife are expecting. Around November. A few weeks before we should have been having ours.
I'm sure it doesn't help that next Saturday was our EDD for our first loss.
So... there's your update. Not a great one, I'm afraid. *sigh*
Things aren't great right now. I'm wondering if I'm doomed to get positives but no babies for the rest of my life. I'm miserable because of being "laid off". I'm worried about my mom, who, in the space of a month broke her foot, and then fell off a ladder breaking a few ribs and her knee. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where to turn. I have no idea what to do now. And I can't seem to stop crying.
Just for another kick in the teeth... a guy I was in gradeschool with who got married in January '07 just had his first kid (first grandchild for a woman who was like a second mom to me)... and I just discovered his brother (who got married last November) and his wife are expecting. Around November. A few weeks before we should have been having ours.
I'm sure it doesn't help that next Saturday was our EDD for our first loss.
So... there's your update. Not a great one, I'm afraid. *sigh*
4 comments:
I wouldn't say you're horrible. I'd say you're wounded, hurt, angry and frustrated and justifiably so!
All of your feelings are valid. Every. Single. One.
I hope your Mom feels better soon. I know what it's like to worry about your Mom.
I'm praying that things get better for you soon.
I'm so sorry. I know it's so difficult to be feeling this way. I know everything seems bleak. I think you need to go through this dark time and these difficult thoughts to be able to 'come out of it' a bit. The job thing is just an added stress though.
Just know in the bottom of your heart that your time will come. Even if it seems far off or unfathomable, it will come. And when it does, it will be so special.
You are the strongest lady. I don't know why you're being 'tested' like this.
Hang in there!!!!! xoxo Em
First of all, I wouldn't say that you are a horrible person; I would say what you are describing makes you 100% human. I know how you feel, and sometimes, it just takes writing it down - virtually saying it out loud - to make things a little bit better.
I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now. Some days the only way to look at it is that it's got to get better.
Hope your Mom is on the mend.
One more way we're in this thing together! I've had very similar thoughts on more than one occasion so I know how gut wrenching it is. We're here for you any way you need us to be.
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