Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The non-update

I'd love to be able to post an update saying my hCG dropped or that I have to go for a second dose... but sadly, the freakin' clinic never called me yesterday with the stupid freakin' results, so I have no update to share.

Still spotting really really lightly. So, 36 hours of light bleeding and other than that it's just been spotting for a week and a half before & after those 36 hours.

I'm getting really tired of being in limbo... the wallpaper sucks.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Are we there yet?

Ah yes... the roller-coaster ride continues.

TMI alert. This will be pretty graphic and may offend more sensitive readers. You've been warned.

Got up yesterday morning and discovered that after days and days of intermittent light spotting (by 'light' I mean it never made it to a liner) there was finally a sign that the methotrexate had kicked in (or perhaps that the progesterone had left the building... or maybe a combination of the two). Bad cramps.

So, after sending my manager an email saying I would be working from home, I headed off to the clinic for my first follow-up beta. Many cramps. Much blood. At least they only had to poke me once to get their sample.

Drove home. Got home and made a mad dash to the washroom to find that the 'gush' I had felt had accompanied some large clots (well, I had just spent 45 minutes sitting in my car... preceded by 45 minutes sitting in my car, effectively... since it was about 15 minutes from the time I got my parking ticket to the time I left the parking garage and that includes the walk from WCH to the clinic, the blood draw, and the walk back) and some grey matter. I'm glad I was home when that happened. It wasn't a surprise to me this time (not like in October when I saw that and freaked)... it did look significantly different from October. Back then, it looked like a ruptured sack. This looked more like a short section of thin grey rope. (I did warn you it would be graphic and TMI)

Once that had passed, everything got lighter. The bleeding got lighter. The cramps got less and weren't constant. Of course, I also developed a headache, but I think that's a fair trade off.

But... to keep things interesting, I got my call in the afternoon from the clinic with my beta results:

nurse: "I'm calling from Dr. L's office. I have your results. It looks good, the numbers are up again to just under 3,000" (bear in mind, 6 days previously the number had been 1980 and since then I had had the stupid methotrexate injections)
me: "But it's not supposed to be up. I had methotrexate last Saturday."
nurse: {pause} "oh. Well, then we'll just stick with the plan Dr. L laid out and you'll come back in about 5 days for another test. You know, it's not unusual for the number to go up before it comes down again."
me: Yes... but that's why they wait 4 - 6 days before the first follow-up, isn't it?? "Fine, ok... so that's what, Tuesday?"

Yup... still no clue what's going on with that, and it'll be at least Tuesday before I know if they want me to go for another shot or have another u/s or what. Blah. Sucks. Just plain sucks.

And, in addition to all this fun, I've been having cramps in my thighs in the evenings since Sunday (both quads and hamstrings), I've got a blinding headache that comes and goes (but when it shows up it's literally blinding), and my ankles are swollen. My ankles don't swell. I've been on 8 hour flights and not had my ankles swell... my hand, yes, but not my ankles. No other part of me is swollen, just my ankles. Le Sigh.

So... that's the current update. I don't expect there will be much to say until Tuesday, but I might surprise us all ;)

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

What the....?

Dear Mother Nature,

I realize you have a lot to do every day, but could you please stop toying with me for your own twisted enjoyment?


So... yesterday afternoon (around 3:00 p.m.) I started spotting. Pink. Good sign, I figure. Several hours later.... still spotting. Awesome, maybe things are going to start moving and I can get some closure. Several hours later... no big dramatic moment, but still spotting. Noon today... no more spotting. None. Not even a little. Not even a faint hint of colour. Nothing.

STOP PLAYING MIND GAMES WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, just had to get that out of my system.

And now I can move on to feeling bad because a co-worker just asked me flat-out if I was off at the end of last week because I'm pregnant and I answered (just as flat-out) that no, I was off because of a miscarriage... the second in 6 months. Poor girl didn't know what to do with herself. And of course, that led to feelings of remorse for being so blunt.

But on the other hand... who the hell asks that question bluntly any more? Bah.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Call me Snoopy

Oh yeah... when we were in one of our many 'waiting' phases on Saturday, we happened to be left alone with my file... so I snooped for specs on our embies.

We transferred 1 8-cell and 1 9-cell... both grade 1 (top of the line).

We have 2 8-cell grade 1's frozen, along with 4 5-6 cell grade 1's. I'm a little concerned about the 5-6 cell ones... isn't that kinda small for having had 3 days to grow before freezing? Does that mean we really only have 1 more realistic kick at the can here?

Dang. Maybe I should have kept my nose out and just asked the doc... be something about having to tell him every frickin' time that I miscarried in October, too (sometimes I have to tell him more than once in a session... hell, I had to tell him at our transfer, in spite of it being written at the top of the page he was looking at!!) just makes me think he might be a little too distracted to give me a straight answer. Le Sigh.

Still waiting...

I was given the impression that after this stupid shot (well, ok, shots since there's so much of me) that things would get moving pretty darn quick.

Well, fatigue, muscle weakness, and dizzy spells all hit pretty quickly (and intermittently... I'm not sure it's entirely the meds). And there's been some cramping, but other than that, Mother Nature is just insisting on toying with me.

The shots were administered at roughly 1:20 Saturday afternoon. Yesterday morning I had some fairly significant spotting first thing in the morning (a nice dark pink). It gave me hope that the end might be in sight. But no. It had vanished within the hour. The barest brown streak first thing this morning... it too has gone back into hiding.

I just want this over, now. I'm tired of being held in limbo. I just want to be able to move on. To pick up the pieces, put them back together, get out the duct tape to hold them together, and get started on trying to heal. But can I? No. Because Mother Nature doesn't seem to think it's bad enough making me feel like I'm actively killing our kids this time around (yes, the logical part of my brain knows that there wasn't anything to kill by the time I got the shots... but logic has no place in my reality at the moment).... no, she feels the need to taunt me, to torment me with floods of CM, but nothing that might give me the start of closure.

And, of course, it's also leading me to stray down paths of thought best avoided. Like "what if the beta on Thursday is still up?" or "what if this doesn't work... I mean, it's supposed to act on 'fast multiplying cells'... except that if anything, the mass in my tube was shrinking, not growing, so there AREN'T any fast multiplying cells"

I'm back at work today, and still unable to focus, because I'm still in limbo, just like the first part of last week... just like the last 2 weeks.

Excuse me while I run down the hall screaming.

Saturday, April 19, 2008


Today, much like the rest of the past 2 weeks, was all about waiting.

We got up and had breakfast before heading out at about 7:15 to head to the clinic. Got there at 8:00. Waited for bloodwork. Waited for them to find a vein. Waited for them to find another vein because the first one collapsed.

Waited to see the doc.

Waited for an u/s. Nothing in the uterus today, apparently. Mass in the tube has not grown... if anything, it shrank slightly. Diameter roughly 1 cm. No fetal pole, no heartbeat. Teeny tiny hope that the toxic drugs might not be necessary... I mean, if it's not growing, the risk of rupture is practically non-existant, right?

Beta results weren't ready yet, so... you guessed it... waited until the beta results came back.

9:30-ish, back in the u/s room with the doc. Beta number rose about 50% from Thursday. Not a good sign. Doc ordered methotrexate. Called over to the local ER to let them know we were coming.

Waited while the doc tried to find something official looking to write a 'nutshell' version of our situation.

Headed over to the ER.

Waited for a triage nurse. Waited while they took temp (36.2... a little low for me, I usually run closer to 36.6... I should probably get my thyroid checked again). Waited while they took my blood pressure (a little high... not really surprising, though... "White Coat Syndrome" plus, you know, having to get toxic drugs).

Waited while they created a file for me.

Waited in the ER in "the red chair" (no kidding... it's a red chair... has a sign on the wall directing people to "the red chair", even). Waited while they took blood. First poke, no go... needle was too big. Second poke, no go... vein collapsed. Third poke (in the hand, near where buddy collapsed the first vein this morning)... BINGO! We have 4 vials! (what they checked, I'm not sure. CBC, I imagine... I was told kidney & liver function).

The joy of being weighed and measured (I felt like a prize catch). Thankfully, they weighed me in kg, so I have no idea what hideous number came back. I'm a big girl... tall, and not likely to blow away in a strong wind. Essential numbers for getting the "right" dose, though.

Went down the hall to change into a hospital gown and... yep... wait. First gown only had one sleeve. Sent D down the hall to ask for another gown. Changed. Waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Eventually the gyne on call showed up. Again, another person who had no clue who we were (I'm so glad the doc called ahead to say we were coming... I just wish I knew who he called, because nobody we encountered knew who we were). She was in the room all of about 90 seconds. Long enough to say "you know why we're giving you this injection, right?" and to answer a quick question about the location of a vending machine or other source of food (it was after noon... breakfast was a long time ago and D's tummy was talking... loudly ;) ). She said she'd double check with my RE about follow-up (whether the clinic would do it, or the hospital) and order the shot from the pharmacy.

D went off to find food. I waited. He eventually came back with 2 chocolate bars. Surprisingly, one of them was an Oh! Henry... I didn't expect to find peanuts for sale in a hospital. Oh well.

We waited. And waited.

Shortly before 1:30 (having gotten to the hospital at 10:00 I suppose that wasn't bad, all things considered), a nurse showed up and poked me in the butt... once on each side. Bringing the total number of punctures for the day to 7 (right arm twice, right hand twice, left hand once, each butt cheek once).

And now we wait again... for the drugs to work their toxic magic and end this roller-coaster ride.

Cautions: no aspirin, no advil, no folic acid or folate. Increase red meat/iron intake. Expect heavy bleeding (come back in if changing pad more than every 30 minutes). Expect pain and cramping. Return to the clinic Thursday for another beta to see if it's dropping. Then likely once a week until 0.

Waiting Sucks.

Friday, April 18, 2008


Why... the question that keeps coming back.

Why did this happen? We did everything except put me on bedrest for 3 months to stack the deck in our favour. And yet, now we're sitting at 3 strikes. 6 dead embryos.

What's to say that we won't go through the same heartache with the kid-sicles? Nothing. So why should we bother? Because we have to.

Why are they thinking a possible ectopic? How is it possible? Because I'm a freak when it comes to most things medical. Ok, yeah... so ectopics with IVF are fairly rare (more common than regular, perhaps, but still only about 5%)... and IVF ectopics in the upper tube are damn near impossible. But that's what they think they're seeing.


Why does this keep happening?

Why do we keep losing our children?

Why do we have to go through so much just to end up heartbroken?

Why can't this just be as easy as it is for the folks who try for 6 months (OMG... it's been 6 months... this is taking forever! Don't go there)

Why can't I have the joy of going through a pregnancy a the same time as my friends?

Why do I have to deal with the anguish of conflicting feelings and causing friends discomfort because they managed to keep their children while I lost mine? I don't begrudge them their success... I revel in it... it gives me hope. But it stings at the same time. Why does the joy have to be tainted?

It all keeps coming back to "why".

But... DH and I are doing a bit better today than yesterday... and several bits better than we were on Tuesday when we first got the suggestion of bad news. And day by day things will get better... less raw... and eventually we'll pull through and move on and probably try again. Which is sad on a whole other level that I hope nobody reading this ever has to understand.

We're fighters. We're strong. We'll pull through. We'll have a few more scars, but scar tissue is tough, and at the rate we're going in our lives we'll be damn near invulnerable soon *wry smile*.

I might be quiet for a bit. We're doing things a little out of order, but I think we're through depression and denial (mostly) and are firmly seated in anger... there's no bargaining to be done, so once the anger has passed, we should be on to acceptance... or as close to acceptance as anyone who's lost a child can ever get.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Dark Days

beta #9: 1310 (last one, 2 days ago, was 1267)
"abnormal sac" in the uterus
"mass" at the ovary end of my right tube (which the doc doesn't understand at all, since this was an IVF pregnancy)

I go back again on Saturday to see if the beta levels start to fall on their own or if I get to experience the joy of methotrexate.

Why can't I just die and end this misery of killing our children two by two?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

And here I thought we'd have some answers...

So.... went for the u/s this morning.

U/S tech says: ectopic (high in the right tube)
Doc says: no bleeding, no pain, too high for an IVF ectopic, that doesn't make any sense... but this here in the uterus might be a gestational sac, so it might be a missed miscarriage. But it's good news that you got pregnant. (really? I'm supposed to be happy that I'm looking at my second miscarriage in 6 months?)
DH says: Medical anomaly, just like everything else to deal with either of our healths.
I say: Stop the world, please, I want to get off.

So... we did another beta and we see what that says, and I go back again on Thursday.

Right now, I feel thoroughly beat up inside, emotionally, and physically (good god they were rough with that u/s wand... TWICE!)

Please excuse the bitter tone... it's just because I'm bitter.

Update: So.. the beta came back 1267. The nurse who called with the results said the doc wants me to do another beta on Thursday, but when I asked if he still wants to see me Thursday too, she said no.

I hate this. I don't know what's going on and I can't get a simple answer. It doesn't help that I seem to be confusing "the experts". Do I see the doc on Thursday anyway? Do I go for an u/s on Thursday anyway? Do I see the doc, but not sign up for an u/s and see what he says? Do I wait for the beta results and go from there? My mind's going a zillion directions at once... I feel like I'm spinning out of control and headed for disaster. :( Right now I'm just praying that it's not ectopic and hopefully I can get through the worst case scenario without drugs.

Monday, April 14, 2008


So... today is a limbo day. No bloodwork scheduled. Not time for the u/s yet. But someone's definitely trying to send me signs.

Yesterday was a revisiting day. As in, everything I ate revisited at least a little. Blah. Burping like crazy... and lots of burps with 'prizes'... but I managed to not puke. The 'prizes' started overnight on Saturday night, when one actually woke me up and set me scrambling for the "puke bucket" that DH was kind enough to put beside the bet "just in case".

Last night... yet another dream about our child. No sign of the babe in person, but yet another reference to a little girl. Oddly enough, in a card from my paternal grandmother who's been dead for over 11 years (actually, the first miscarriage was confirmed on the 11th anniversary of her death). Very odd. DH has taken to asking me first thing in the morning if I've had another baby dream... this is 4 nights running... and all of them indicate a girl. I think he's laughing at me. I, on the other hand, am starting to get a little freaked out by it... I blame my wacky Irish blood and a maternal side of the family rife with strange co-incidences, visions, and the like. Here's hoping it's all good signs.

This morning I woke up and felt decent, in spite of having been awake for a half hour at about 1:15 a.m.... until I rolled over and immediately had to roll back and dive for the bucket. Le Sigh. No spew, thankfully, but it was touch and go for a while. Even once it passed I discovered I had to stay verticle or things took a turn back again (my poor cat looked so confused 'cuz I bent over to kiss his head as I normally do in the morning and immediately shot right back up again and made some very odd noises... and he didn't get his peck on the head... likewise putting on socks went badly on the first attempt).

I'm nervous about tomorrow morning. I mean, I'm excited because it SHOULD give us some indication of what's going on, which'll be nice for the brain... but I'm nervous that it won't show us what we hope... that it'll show some kind of problem. Yup... still paranoid.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Colour me confused

Ok... so Friday sucked. No question. Number only climbed 94 points in 4 days. Not a good sign, we figured.

So... we expected bad news from this morning's beta and did our best to prepare for the worst. This was NOT helped by a sudden increase in my symptoms (sore boobs, queasiness, heartburn, fatigue, forgetfulness, interrupted sleep, thirst, waking up in the middle of the night feeling like I'm going to hurl...) or 2 more nights of dreams involving a small person belonging to us (more on that in a minute).

So... up this morning bright and early and off to the clinic we went. And then we waited. And waited. And I think DH now has a greater appreciation of the insanity that has been my life every other beta day. Today's result? 1019. OK... still not doubling, but a hell of a lot better than climbing 94... that's 224, I think (If my math is right... which it might not be). So now I'm just confused.

We've got an u/s on Tuesday morning (7w), which will hopefully make things clearer.

Ok... about these dreams. So, Thursday night as I think I mentioned I had a dream where I had a cesarean... and a little girl, contrary to my waking instincts. Well, Friday night I had another dream... our baby was being hooked up to all kinds of monitors in a hospital and there was some concern. Suddenly there was a heartbeat (115) and all was good. Again... a little girl. Last night we were at a party with a toddler who seemed to belong to su... again, a little girl. I'm starting to see a theme.....

So now we wait... and drive ourselves nuts... and hope against hope that Tuesday makes things clearer AND brings good news.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Let the madness begin…

Dreams, that is.

Last night I had a cesarean. Never mind that I’m only 6.5 weeks pregnant, last night my brain told me I was having a cesarean.

So when I woke up, I told D. His reaction? “Huh. Interesting. Boy or Girl?”

Not quite what I expected. But… girl. Which is doubly odd because every instinct I have is telling me this is a boy. Of course, the “yeah, but…” side of me is screaming at me that that probably guarantees it’ll be a girl, ‘cuz look how right I haven’t been about anything else *laugh*

And then there’s the “where did I leave my brain and why did I forget to pack it this morning” moments.

Like this one. My darling hubby is at home today. I got email from him. It was not from his work email account. It was not a continuation of the email chain from yesterday. When I left the house this morning, I left him curled up in a nice warm comfy bed, snoozing gently. So what do I ask him? Did he get wet on the walk from the car to the office. I’m an idiot. There was no walk from the car to the office… he’s at home. The email addy, subject line, and remembering the sleeping hubby should have clued me in to that, but nope… completely forgot it.

I'll update this afternoon with the results of Beta #6. Right now I'm nursing the holes in the backs of both hands (yes... both hands. Obviously the ease with which they've managed to retrieve the last 3 samples was a fluke and we're back to 'normal' now) and waiting for the phone to ring.

UPDATE: Not good. 795. That's up 94 in 4 days... so far from double, I don't even want to contemplate it. I have to go back on Sunday. Please, please, please, please, please let it be a fluke. Please don't let me lose this one too. Please?

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Ultrasound envy...

So. I'm part of an online forum for all things baby-related (from just thinking about starting to try right through to school age). So, I chatter with gals at the same stage as me, as well as women who've been there, and women who've yet to get there. There's a group for gals with due dates in a particular month. We chatter about symptoms (what few there are yet) and plans and such.

Well... first I was experiencing beta number jealousy because everyone else's numbers were so much higher than mine. Now I've moved on to Ultrasound Envy.


Let's see... I have a friend who's beta number just quadrupled on her third beta... she's got her viability/dating ultrasound booked. About a half-dozen others who're having viability/dating ultrasounds had 2 betas and then got booked for their ultrasound.

Me? I'm looking at beta #6 tomorrow and still no mention of an ultrasound. I'm hoping when they call with tomorrow's number it'll include info about an u/s. If not, I might just have to throw a spoiled-small-child-type hissy fit! *laugh* The only thing I can think of is that it's because my numbers were on the low end and my doubling rate slowed down. Either that or they think I'm a week earlier than I am (glorious thing about IVF... I know exactly when I got pregnant... 'cuz there was an audience!)... I say that because my friend, at 4w5d has a number that I didn't get until about 5w6d. Le Sigh.

Ah well... ranting now is moot. I guess we'll see what the next 24 hours or so bring (and please, please, please let them call me early tomorrow and not make me wait 'til 3:00!)

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


Odd... apparently 6w was a mini milestone for me that I wasn't even aware of. Having managed to get through yesterday without any spotting (although I'm still checking every time I go to the washroom like a paranoid freak :p ), it's like someone flipped the 'excitement' switch in my head.

Not that I'm not still paranoid (see previous spotting checking). Not that there isn't still a voice in my head saying "Don't get your hopes up... you're not out of the woods yet!". But yesterday evening and today I'm actually starting to get a bit excited about this prospective parenthood thing.

Now if only I had a clue when they'd bring me in for a viability & placement ultrasound!

I've got another beta on Friday morning... I'm hoping it'll be over 1400 and I'm also hoping that at that point they'll tell me "come in for an u/s on this date". I'd really like to get at least Goal #2 under my belt before I relax too much!

In other news... DH and I are hoping to go to the "Baby Time" show on Sunday here in T.O.... we've been wanting to get to this show for the past 2 years and something always comes up (in fall it was our post-miscarriage trip to St. Lucia that got in the way... in retrospect, I almost think the show might have been the lesser of two evils there *laugh*)... but now we're pregnant (admittedly barely) and don't have other plans already for the weekend (other than him working on Saturday)... and the November show might be pushing our luck, so we're going.

Also... morning sickness hasn't really kicked in... and I'm hoping it doesn't (oh to be the lucky 15% for something!). That said, I did have wicked heart burn last night (note to more super-greasy pizza... stick to the moderately greasy ones! ;) ) and had a moment of nearly spewing. Not fun.

And... fatigue. Oh. My. Gawd. I don't sleep in public. I don't sleep on buses, on trains, on planes... I just don't do it. It's a mental block, or a control freak side-effect or something. Well, yesterday I fell asleep on the train twice on the way TO work... twice on the way HOME from work... and 3 times this morning on the way in. And I'm battling the sleepies at my desk right now. This I could do without.

I'm routinely drinking about 3L of water during the day these days. Which of course means I'm making bathroom runs every 20 minutes.

And I have a craving for... of all things... Coke. I used to drink a couple of cokes a day. Brought it down to at most 1 per day once we were at the clinic. Cut it out entirely during all our procedures. Haven't had one since early February... but for the last week I've been craving one. Bad. Very bad. Lots of chemicals and evil caffeine. Bad. Must resist. Maybe I'll cave on the hankering for grilled cheese and poutine and see if that helps? *laugh*

Good grief... only 6 weeks in and already I'm losing my mind ;) But... almost half-way through the first trimester... which means almost half-way to "relax and enjoy this for a few months", right?

Monday, April 7, 2008

Slowing down, but still climbing

Today was beta #5: 701.

This was a little disappointing, and caused me a minute or two of worry until I worked out the doubling rate (well, ok... I went to the calculators at and had them work out the double rate ;) )... 62.3 hours. So although considerably slower than the original 28.4 hours, or even last time's 33 hours, it's still in the 48-72 hour window that's considered "ideal". Still... it's also below what the folks in the know say the minimum should be for 6w (which is tomorrow)... which apparently should be 1080.

So... I get to go for beta #6 on Friday. And spend the rest of the week the way I've spent every day since March 28th... checking for spotting every time I trek to the bathroom and hoping like crazy that this works out. Le Sigh.

On the up side, we told DH's parents on Friday night. Very cute. We had bought these towels way back when we thought we might be able to do a surprise announcement (read, about 2 years ago when we were still in our first year of trying and not nearly as cynical ;) )... they're like a cross between an apron and a towel, so you can stay relatively splash-free while bathing the little one and then not have to fuss so much trying to get them wrapped up after the bath. Anyway, so they've been sitting gathering dust for 2 years... we brought one with us on Friday night. Ma-in-law asked D "So what's new, different, or exciting?", as usual. D threw her the towel. Which has the company name on it (something like babywrapperz). So she looked at the towel, looked at DH, looked at the towel, looked at pa-in-law, looked at DH and said "Is this an announcement?" And then promptly banned me from doing anything to help with anything all weekend *laugh* I was banned from helping set tables or prepare meals... basically I was confined to the couch unless I was sitting at the dinner table, in bed, or running to/from the bathroom. I'm not used to that... it rankled a bit... but I know she means well because she knows what we've been through to get here.

So... now we wait... and see what Friday brings, I guess.

Friday, April 4, 2008


Here we are... the day it all went wrong last time. It's a very odd day.

Parts of me are feeling far more positive than I expected... I'm almost getting a glimmer of 'excited'. But parts of me are also prompting me to check for spotting every 20 minutes.

It probably doesn't help that we're going out to see the in-laws tonight to let them in on our little secret. It's almost as if part of my brain thinks that'll jinx us.

Bah. There are days I really hate being insane ;)

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Beta #4 - 5w2d

The good news and then the paranoia, I think....

Today's beta: 241. For those of you keeping track that's triple, triple, and less than triple, but more than double. Or a doubling rate of 28.4, 30, and now 33. So it's slowing down, but still "better" than the "48 - 72 hours" that the folks in the know look for.

Next beta: Monday. Apparently the clinic are happy enough with these numbers (even though they're pretty darn low) to feel safe not having me back in 48 hours, but waiting 96 instead.

Target for Monday's beta: at least 964.. oh yeah, and not having to go back early

which brings me nicely to... the paranoia.

Last time the numbers went triple, triple, double... then they said "Come back in 4 days" and I ended up back there 2 days later because of spotting (at 5w3d and 5w4d) and the number had plummeted. This is all feeling a little too familiar for me to be comfortable and complacent yet. I hate that... this is supposed to be the time when I'm deleriously happy, not nervous beyond words and trapped in bad memories. Le Sigh.

But... not a whole lot I can do either way, other than take it easy and not be too stupid. So... we're off to visit D's parents for the weekend and let them know that we did another round of IVF (yes, that's right... they don't know. After the frequent questions with our FET, and the m/c before that, D didn't want to tell them and have to deal with questions and comments again).... and that it worked... so far.

And now I get to bite my nails for another 4 days *laugh*

Tuesday, April 1, 2008


So... finally at 3:00 p.m. my clinic got around to calling me with the results of this morning's beta.

But before I get into that, on a slight tangent and as an illustration of how insane and paranoid I am, I'd like to share a story of how my day started today.

Today is 5w, officially. Today was beta #3. Because I'm paranoid (and a little curious), I decided I'd test this morning... so I pulled out what we lovingly call "an internet cheapie" (the low-rent cousin of the pregnancy test you pay $13+ for at the drug store.. it's stripped down... it costs about $0.40 if you buy it online from somewhere like ... hence... internet cheapie). Peed in a cup ('cuz my aim sucks at 5:00 a.m. and peeing on my hands is not a nice way to start the day)... dipped according to the instructions... waited. And waited. And waited... and no second line. Cue start of panic. Cue made dive for the last of the 'good' tests (thank goodness for 2-packs!)... cue dipping of test #2... cue beautiful plus-sign in less than 60 seconds. Cue relief. Note to self: never expect an accurate result from the low-rent cousin of any test. But I'm awake now!

So... off I trek to the clinic. Get called in by the blood tech... much poking and prodding of elbows... still ended up getting the blood drawn from the back of my hand. Now I've got bruises on the back of both of them and another blood draw on Thursday morning... should be entertaining.

Anyway... the results. 88. That's roughly triple what Sunday's result was... which was roughly triple what Friday's result was. So I'm seeing tripling where they look for doubling... I guess someone's trying to make up for lost ground with the low start? ;)

Here's hoping Thursday's higher again... and getting past Friday means passing Goal #1, so we'll keep our fingers crossed for that, while I try to get through this week without losing my mind.