Monday, December 31, 2007

Beta Day - FET

And now... we wait.

Went to the clinic this morning for my beta-hCG test. I should find out the results sometime this afternoon. Bad as it sounds, I'm not feeling very hopeful about success this time around. Maybe it's fear because of the miscarriage last time. Maybe it's because the embryos were so small this time (4 and 6 cells). Maybe it's just because I'm feeling pretty beaten about the whole process. Maybe I've been wrong all along in the most certain feeling I've ever had... maybe I'm NOT actually meant to be a mom. I shouldn't get my hopes up anyway... I should know better by now... any time I DO get my hopes up, they're surely dashed to smithereens without fail.

Either way, I just wish today was over already. 2007 has not been a good year. True, not as eventful as some years... no floods, no car crashes, no deaths of people we've known for years. But bad enough all the same... bad diagnosis, months of waiting, an IVF cycle with more needles than I ever thought I'd have to deal with in my lifetime, a BFP only to have it end in miscarriage, and FET cycle with fewer needles, but still more meds than I ever thought I'd be taking, and more needles than I care to think about. Trasvaginal ultrasounds... my girlie bits on display to more people than I ever thought would see them in such a short period of time... blood draws from painful places more often than not (they hardly ever seem to be able to find a vein in my arm... I know they're there... I can see them quite clearly... maybe next time they sould try my shoulder, 'cuz they've become even more visible there lately... whatever, just keep them away from my hands!)

I don't know where we're going to go from here if this beta comes back negative, though. More questions, maybe more testing, maybe we'll just give up.

Happy freakin' New Year.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

I'm so proud of myself!

the 2ww is over on Monday... it's Thursday now, which means I've made it through more than a week of queasiness, fatigue, dizzy spells, funky tastes in my mouth, sore boobs, middle-of-the-night pee-breaks, unexpected food aversions, etc.... and I HAVEN'T TESTED!

Yay me!

Of course, having written that, I do have every intention of doing one "oh, what the heck" test tomorrow morning (which would be 11 days after the transfer of 2 3-day embies... so arguably the equivalent of 14 DPO... or the day most people who're actively trying test ;) )... I don't expect much, though.

Truth be told, I don't expect much on Monday, either. But I guess we'll see soon enough!

Friday, December 21, 2007

Ah, the joys of a 2ww

Yup... let the madness begin. The insanity of the 2ww (two week wait for the uninitiated) is well upon me.

Every twinge, every sensation, every tiny thing could be "a sign". Yeah, right, 'cuz I'm absolutely sure that none of them could possibly be due to the fact that I had a foreign object inserted into my girlie bits mere days ago, or the fact that I'm still popping pills like a mad woman and stabbing myself in the ass every night with progesterone. Not a chance.

Oh, did I mention the mood swings? *laugh* Yup, that's the latest... add it to the list with the cramping (on and off), the exhaustion (did I mention I went to bed at 8 freakin' 30 on Wednesday night?), the mild nausea, the sore boobs, and the teensiest bit of colour to my CM today (OMG... is that implantation spotting?). I'm going to be such a joy to have around at Christmas ;)

Madness, I tells ya... madness! And the creative math has begun, too. My beta is set for New Years Eve. 14 days after the transfer. Oh, but the transfer was 3-day embies, so I could say that 14 DPO (days post ovulation) is the 28th, so I could test then. Oh, or... some people get a BFP at 10 DPO, so that would be Christmas Eve... so I could test then!

Madness!!!! Why do we do these things to ourselves?!?!?

So... maybe I'll pick up a 2-pack... test on Christmas Morning, just in case I can give D a good present ... and other than that I'll hold off 'til the blood work comes back. Yes, that's what I'll do. Definitely.

Oh who am I kidding? I'll be testing all next weekend, I'm sure. *laugh*

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Transfer complete... stick, babies... stick!

So... Monday was the transfer (and yes... it's taken me this long to blog about it... I was on bed-rest for Monday and Tuesday and catching up on work email yesterday ;) ). 2 little embies squirted into my uterus in the hopes that one or both will find a nice snuggly place to curl up and stay 'til at least August.

The day went something like this:

Got up. Showered. Had some breakfast. Got picked up by my parents who were giving us a ride to the clinic (so D wouldn't have to leave me to get the car after the procedure). I should mention at this point for anyone who might be reading this and NOT in Southern Ontario... we got buried on the weekend. Seriously... I've heard 40 cm of snow (and 30 is a foot, so that's a heck of a lot of snow to fall in a day and a half)... and our street didn't get plowed until Sunday night at about 9:30... and then, not well. Anyway, in the car, I started drinking my mandated 1 litre of water. Poor choice. We got stuck in traffic and ended up getting dropped at a subway station so we'd at least be close to on-time for our 9:45 check-in. 9:45, checked in with the clinic and got changed into the gowns (yup.... plural... one on front to back, one on back to front... at least my butt didn't get cold *laugh*) while I sent D off to buy some more of the meds I need, as the ones I have would run out 4 days before our scheduled beta. By that point I was very uncomfortable and dancing. I think I may have mis-measured the water. Or perhaps it had something to do with the fact that I haven't been quite so enthusiastic with my water consumption since the miscarriage and my bladder shrank. In any case, I couldn't hold it and made a mad dash to the washroom to 'take some pressure off'. Those of you who've tried to stop the flow when you really need to go can imagine how well that didn't work. So, convinced that I'd let too much out, I sent D down the hall to find me a cup of water. Then another. Then another.

Seems I sent him one too many times. But I'll get to that in a minute.

While we were waiting, my doc came out of the procedure room where she had been doing a retrieval. As she was about to head back over to her office, they said "you have a transfer"... she had no idea. Very reassuring. But it seems the retrievals and transfers are scheduled in two different books (which could also explain why the retrieval went in at 10:00... which was supposed to be when my transfer was scheduled... really, it would have been better the other way around, since you don't need a full bladder for a retrieval)... and she only got told about one of them. Miscommunication. Fun.

Anyway, they took me in and got me up on the bench for the initial u/s to determine the shape of catheter they'd need. The u/s tech determined that my bladder was too full, so they sent me off to pee "one cup only!" I walked out of the procedure room and the nurse on the desk said "Oh! You get to pee!" like this was the greatest thing in the world. Highly amusing.

One cup later, I was back in and back on the bench with my feet in the stirrups and the hatchway to the entirely male-populated lab open... with a wonderful view, I'm sure.

Seems there was some resistance encountered inserting the catheter, which left me feeling a wee bit bruised inside afterwards. But they got it in, and I have a picture of the squirt of fluid containing my 2 little embies (1 4-cell, 1 6-cell). The doc said she's betting on the 6-cell, but watch me have twins because, and I quote, "I'm knocked up, and it seems to be working for me"... seems every transfer she's done since she got pregnant has resulted in at least one positive beta (including my last transfer, although it didn't last... so who knows how many others didn't last, either). Immediately after the transfer, she did say "I just have to straighten out her uterus and then we're good to go". That was a little unnerving.

Anyway, catheter out, speculum out, and then she did something cute, but very odd. She rubbed her very pregnant belly (she's 32 weeks... measuring 34, apparently) and then rubbed mine. Seems she's decided pregnancy is contagious and wanted the embies to get the idea of what they're supposed to do *laugh*

2 days of bed-rest (going stir-crazy)... one day of "light duties" (still going stir-crazy)... and now I'm back to work with the warning to avoid running and jumping (as if I'd be likely to do either). Monday was crampy and gassy.... Tuesday was just back pain... yesterday was a few crampy moments, one quite sharp pain (but I'm choosing to take that as a good sign), and a lot of pain at my various injection sites.

I think there's a chance I might be mildly allergic to sesame oil. All my injection sites are swelling and itchy... and bruised. I'm going to give it a couple more days and then maybe head back to the clinic to see if I can trade in my other 2 vials for one of the other oils.

Here's hoping for good news at New Years!

Friday, December 14, 2007

Here we go again...

So on Wednesday (yes, 2 days ago and I'm only blogging now), I went to my clinic for a status check so we could figure out when to do the transfer for this FET cycle. It was interesting on a few fronts:

- for the first time in all the times I've been there, there was no-one waiting ahead of me for bloodwork. Likewise was the u/s process quick and easy (in fact, they put me in a room with an u/s tech already in there... no waiting!). I got to the clinic at 7:30 and by 7:45 I was done and waiting to see the doc (unlike usual visits, where I'm there at 7:00 and am lucky if I'm done my u/s by 7:45)

- for the first time in all the times I've been there for monitoring I was asked by the u/s tech (who's done my scans before) if I had any allergy to latex. As it happens, I'm fine with it, so long as my exposure is relatively short, so no worries there.

- for the first time in 3 rounds of purchases, I was asked what kind of oil for my progesterone injections. There's more than one kind???? Yes, I've been using sesame oil... not my fave, thicker than I'd really like, and stinky, but since I've got one vial left over from last time, I figured I should get the same for consistency's sake. But apparently they also have it in cottonseed oil and grapeseed oil (and possibly another one... I stopped listening after she got to sesame again)

- for the first time my doc actually said to me "you know... I was thinking about you last night and wondering how it was going... and here you are!"

Anyway, what it boils down to in the end is this: My lining was nice and thick "perfect... Beautiful!" says my doc. So I was told to keep taking the Estrace and that they could do the transfer any time from Saturday on. So we're set for Monday (a commitment I can't get out of for Sunday, so Monday works better).

As a result, today (Friday) I add to the mix:
- Doxycyline - 1 pill twice daily for 3 days (Friday, Saturday, Sunday... for transfer on Monday)
- Progesterone injections - 2 mL once per day in the evening in the butt (self-delivered, I might add... such fun... I get to test how far I can twist!)

They'll call me on Sunday to let me know what time the transfer will be at.... and then I get to go back for my beta on.... New Years Eve. I was told I could come in on the 30th if I'd prefer, but really... do I want to get up in the darkness of early morning to get in there for a simple blood test that may or may not yeild good/bad news several hour later? Or would it be better to stop in on my way to work... where at least I have a purpose in being up and something to distract me in the intervening hours? So I think we'll stick with New Year's Eve... and shoot for a low-key evening at home to be either very depressed (if it's negative), or very nervous (if it's positive... since the last positive didn't last).

Oh joy.

Right now it's still a little unreal. Like "this is too easy... it can't possibly work". I'm hoping that starting the injections tonight will make it more 'real'... last time I was at this point I'd already been doing injections for 2 weeks and been through a retrieval.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

3 cheers for happy side effects

Hey... when you're where we are with the rest of things, you take joy where you can find it.

TMI alert... this deals with icky girl-type-stuff. LOL as if that'll make a difference if you're reading an IVF blog.

Normal AF: 5 - 7 days of full flow, plus a couple of days of spotting on either end. Yup... lovely... up to 11 days of ick.

This AF (and I'm going to chalk it up to the Estrace): 1 moderate day, 2 heavy (very) days, 1 day of spotting and I'm done. Done! It's CD5 and I'm DONE!!! Excuse me for a moment while I get up and dance around my chair :)

See? I told you... you take the joy where you can find it. I'm not back at the clinic until CD11 (6 more days... just 6 more days...) and that just seems like ages to wait. But on the up side, if things look good next Wednesday, then we'll likely be doing the transfer of our little kidsicles on Monday or Tuesday following. On the down side, that also means that the progesterone injections self-administered in the butt will be starting again soon, which kind of sucks, but if it means I can get (and STAY... that's the trick) preggers, then it'll be worth it.

And hopefully I can make it through the month without any stupid comments about "when are you going to have kids" or "we weren't even trying" or "it was our first try" or "I'm going to be x months pregnant in x+4 months' time" or the like. At least most of our friends either already know, or just don't go there.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Here we go again!

So… yesterday AF (Aunt Flo… the red tide… pick your preferred euphamism) started right on schedule. I guess I should count myself lucky that my first cycle post-miscarriage was ‘normal’. I should especially count myself lucky on that point since my RE (reproductive endocrinologist, for the uninitiated) is going on mat-leave (yeah… ‘cuz that’s not a kick in the face every time I go to the clinic) at the end of January and I really don’t cherish any particular warm feelings for either of the docs who’d be picking up her patients for the 3 months she’ll be gone. Ergo (there’s that grade 12 dead language cropping up… I feel the need to get some value for it every so often), I wanted to get our next kick at the can out of the way before she left.

So… that brings us to today. Today was CD2… which means I dragged my butt out of bed at the crack of dawn to trek to the clinic before work. Who am I kidding… Dawn was nowhere near cracking when I crawled out of bed. But off I took myself to the commuter train at 6:14 to get to my clinic for 7:10 (they open at 7:00, but I can never make it there by public transit for 7:00 unless everything times out exactly perfectly… which we all know it never does). Signed all the requisite clipboards (my clinic has clipboards for u/s, to see the doctor (one for each doc), regular bloodwork, and betas), and waited until my name was called by each of 3 people.

Got my blood drawn. For once, they found a vein in my arm and didn’t have to dig too deep or take from my hand. It took a bit longer than usual, but the blood techs were having a pretty quiet moment when I was at that point.

Then off to u/s, where for some reason they were rushed off their feet this morning. Odd, since they generally only do u/s on the same days as blood work… but maybe there were a lot of early pregnancy gals in this morning. The clinic likes to do first trimester monitoring before referring to an OB… makes sense, and really, the success stories are gone before they start to show and cause stress for us less successful folk. Waited quite a while for the u/s and then it was done by a woman who is lovely to talk to, but a bit heavy-handed with the wand. Ouch.

Then out to the waiting room again (after putting the clothes back on, obviously) to wait for my doc. And wait. And wait. I was done with blood & u/s by 7:45 and then had to wait a full hour for my doc. But… barring any bizzarro results from my blood-work, we’re good to go on our FET cycle.

So, starting today… 12 mg Estrace per day (2 tablets per dose, 3 times daily)… plus one low-dose Aspirin daily… and back in to see how things are going next Wednesday. If all looks good, we’re probably looking at a transfer around the 17th. So now I get to try to schedule all my December things around needing time off that week. Fun.

I’m not sure how I feel about it. If the transfer takes place on the 17th, then the beta will be New Years Eve. Could make for a very special, or very horrible NYE depending on the results… and then potentially starts the nervousness, too.

Guess we’ll see, won’t we?