Saturday, June 27, 2009

Long time no see

Wow. It's been a long time since I posted here. Mostly because there's nothing to post about. Still no job, so still no moving forward in our quest. I've gotten to a place where I'm mostly ok with that... but there are days... this would be one of them.

Today I should have been planning a birthday party. I should have been putting the finishing touches on decorations and cupcakes and cuteness. I should have been wrapping two little presents and getting the house ready for a flock of friends and family.

But there was no birth, and so, no birthday party.

D and I are considering getting memorial tattoos. Need to find a good artist and a good parlour... and save our pennies. We have ideas, but aren't 100% sold on them... hard to until we see them drawn up by a tattoo artist, who'll know how best to portray them so they'll translate to a tattoo. We've talked about it in the moments between the darker days lately. It's a bad time of year. April marking the anniversary of the 2nd miscarriage...May with Mother's Day (a pretty rotten day for all the Forgotten Mothers)... June with Father's Day (again... a rotten day for the Forgotten Fathers)... now what should have been a first birthday. Thankfully, we're mostly done our personal dark days until October, once we get through tomorrow.

Then it's just a matter of getting through the days when friends deliver... when friends share news of their pregnancies (or don't, and we find out in less than 'ideal' ways)... and the occasional thoughless comments. In other words, day to day life for anyone who has suffered any kind of loss and is faced with reminders.

Today is a bad day... I'm not really as bitter, cynical and jaded as that sounds. I have a wonderful husband... I have some truly great friends... I have a family that loves me (two, actually... double lucky).

I hope all my bloggy friends are well... fighting their battles bravely... cherishing the victories no matter how small... celebrating at every opportunity... especially when they finally get the prize we all stive for.

Hugs to all of you!

Sunday, November 30, 2008


Last weekend, a friend of mine from HighSchool days had a baby girl.  They struggled for a long time before their miracle pregnancy (apparently there's some truth to the whole "coming off the pill whiplash" thing).  We haven't talked much during her pregnancy, though.  I said when I saw her 12w u/s "She has your chin"!  Turns out I was right with the gender prediction (they didn't find out until delivery).  I'm very happy for her, but again, sad for me.

Last night, a good friend had her baby.  This was a true miracle baby... after 2 years of trying, on a cycle that was med-free and right before moving on to IVF.  She's had a rough go of it, and I'm not sure she ever really 100% believed it was real (although there's no denying it now!)... and I felt bad for that, because I think part of her disbelief may have had something to do with me.  I was pregnant 2 weeks before her.  She was officially due mid-December, and I was due Dec. 1 (yup, tomorrow's going to suck).  Obviously, mind didn't stick.  We didn't talk much about her pregnancy, but we talked.  I went to her baby shower a few weeks ago (heck, I organized and shopped for a group gift... her happiness and good fortune mostly eclipsed my own sadness).  She had some health concerns that meant that she was told she'd be induced at 38 weeks... and she absolutely stunned me by saying that she was going to do her best not to have it happen on December 1st.  I told her she was silly, that some things are more important... but I was incredibly touched that she even thought of it.  We had some pretty frank discussions... I even told her that I want to meet him ASAP and I'll try not to drown him, but I can't promise not to cry.  She's awesome.

So last night her little boy made his appearance, and I honestly can't wait to meet him.  I already love this little guy, and I've never met him.  He's not a relative.  I hope I don't freak her out *laugh*

But it's still bittersweet.  I hope it'll get more sweet and less bitter as time goes by.

Congratulations S & G!!!

Now... off to look up a recipe for something I can make and bring that can make for an easy meal for them while they focus on little D.

Monday, November 17, 2008

A non-IF post

Ok... so this post has nothing to do with infertility, I just felt that I should post something here because it's been too long, and figured I'd make it this because I wanted it to be a little less 'public' (for all that this is a public blog).

So here goes.

Why do some people think that it's mature and acceptable to accuse someone of impropriety, or bad behaviour, or certain actions, by direct words or implications, and then take steps to ensure that person has no opportunity to address the accuser directly on the subject?

5 years ago, I was a member of an online forum.  There was a situation that I felt was silly.  On another forum, belonging to a friend, and with restricted membership (but sadly, not private at the time), I stated that I thought the situation was pathetic.  Not the people involved... the situation.  Well... it got reported back to the first forum as "Mums called all the members here pathetic".  I was also accused of doing things that I'd have to have been pretty farking stupid to do, and which were technically impossible.  And then I was banned, preventing me from defending myself from the slander.  Whatever, did I really want to be part of a group of people who'd believe the worst based on hearsay without looking to hear my side of the story?  Nope.  (now if only they'd stop talking about me... 5 years later *laugh*)

Anyway... while I don't miss the people who chose to bad-mouth me, the events do rankle.  So now I'm torn between pissed off and highly amused by events that came about yesterday.

I moderate a large online forum.  However, I've been taking a break from it for the past few weeks (as much as possible) because I have enough other stress in my life and don't need the petty behaviour that's been going on.  I mean, initially it was coming up to the end of October... then it was because I was being personally attacked (oddly enough, also accused of impropriety)... then it was just because I needed time away from silly arguments and wanted to see if the other moderators would step up or live up to the perception that there's only one active mod.

Unfortunately, I can't get away from it completely, because the email addy on file with them is the same one I have to check daily due to my job search.  So I see that I have private messages waiting for me, and I see the "notify moderator" messages going on and know what kind of pettiness is happening.  And that nobody else is stepping in.

Anyway.  Last night someone who was part of my friends list on facebook overstepped, and another member hit "notify moderator", so I know what was said.  But by the time I saw the message, she had been banned.  I have no idea who banned her.  I don't much care.  She was out of line and knew better.

Anyway, as part of a FB thread with several friends, I stated that I couldn't be sure why she was banned, but imagined it had to do with certain terms that she used.  And in her responses to me, the implication was made that I was blowing smoke and knew exactly why she'd been banned because I did it.  Nice.

But even better?  This same person then removed me as a friend.

1/  a note for people on message boards with a 'notify moderator' function.  Be aware that if you start using the feature a lot with the appearance of targetting one or two specific people, chances are decent that your own behaviour is also going to come under microscopic examination.  Particularly when there have been accusations of favouritism.

2/  Just because you remove someone as a friend, doesn't mean that they can't see your responses to a group thread they're already part of.

3/  It's fairly immature to make an accusation (direct or implied) and then dissallow for direct and private rebuttal.

4/  Do not make accusations or implications of impropriety about me and expect me to be ok with it.

5/  Believe me... If I banned you, I'd be more than happy to discuss why it was done and justify my actions or reverse them as appropriate based on that conversation.  I would own the action and would not say I didn't know the specifics if I had done it.

6/  I'm also happy to hold a grudge if I feel I've been maligned, abused, or treated badly.  People who undertake such actions are not worth my time and energy and will not be missed.

Ah... feels good to get that out.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

A sad anniversary... and a new year

I posted the first part of this yesterday in a forum I frequent, so apologies to those who've already read it.  I wanted to record my thoughts here, too.

One year ago we got confirmation that we were
miscarrying after our first IVF. I was a basket case. Actually
collapsed in tears after the news (I always thought that was just
melodrama that you see on TV... apparently not). We had pinned so much
hope on the procedure. We had been so excited when we thought it had
worked. But one short week later to have that snatched away was
devastating. I miss our little boys so much (I can't say why I'm sure
that both implanted... or why I'm sure both were boys... but in my
heart, I'm sure).

So today I'm remembering, and honouring their
memory. The memory of the time we had with them. The memories of all
the 'firsts' we've missed this year.... first breaths, first cries,
first smiles, first steps, first summer, first autumn, first halloween.

choosing to take comfort in the fact that today is also the anniversary
of the loss of my paternal grandmother. One of the strongest women I've
ever known, with a wicked sense of humour, and a very grounded view of
life. The youngest 80-year-old I ever knew. And I trust that somewhere
she's taking care of her great-granchildren.

Unfortunately, the day continuted yesterday after I wrote that... and it got a lot less philosophical and a lot more raw.

My mother called... to remind me that it was the anniversary of my grandmother's death and I should call my father.  Thanks Mom... I actually remember that it's my grandparent's anniversary... why can't you remember that it's your grandchild's?  True, they never 'met' the ones we lost, but were they not excited at the prospect of being grandparents?  Were they not upset to have that prospect snatched away?  I guess not.

I spent the day trying to keep busy... it didn't work so well.  Several soggy interludes.  When D came home, we had some shared soggy time.  We snuggled the teddy bear we bought for them when we first knew I was pregnant.  We talked of how much we loved and missed the ones who didn't stay... the ones who never had a chance to live.  My sense of failure.  Wondered what we'd done to piss off the Universe so much.  Wondered if we'd ever have a child of our own to hold (he assures me that it WILL happen).

And how tired I am of picking up the pieces when all I want is to pick up our child. *sigh*

But... true Celt that I am... today begins a New Year.  A year that will not be devoid of painful reminders and days that plainly suck, but a year that will hopefully also contain days of pure joy, and I hope, the ability to rejoice in my friends' good luck without being sucked into our own bad luck.

I'm hoping for a karmic pay-out ;)

Thursday, October 16, 2008

How hard can it really be?

So I got mail today.

An invoice.  From the clinic.  Telling me that the payment for annual embryo storage is "DUE NOW" (yes, in block caps.  Bold, too).

To Recap:  In October last year we did a fresh cycle.  We ended up with 4 embryos.  We transferred 2 and froze 2 (had I known then what I discovered at transfer of those 2, we would have asked for them to go to blast before freezing and probably wouldn't have ended up freezing any, but that's beside the point).  We paid $800 for freezing and 1 year of storage.

2 months later, in December, following the first miscarriage, we transferred the 2 remaining kidsicles.  No more frozen.

In March, we did another fresh cycle.  Ended up with 9.  We transferred 2, froze 6, and waited for the 9th to hit blast, which it didn't.  Again, we paid $800 for freezing an 1 year of storage.

So, we currently have 6 kidsicles 'on ice', but only since March.

And now, 7 months later, and approaching the anniversary of our first loss, we're being told that if we don't pay $275 immediately we need to tell them how to dispose of them??  WTF?!

How hard is it, really, to get the fucking paperwork right?

Just got off the phone with the accounts folks at the clinic (for whom I had left a rather upset voicemail).  They will follow up with the lab, but verified with my file that we DID pay in March and that we DID NOT have any frozen left from last October.

But the question remains... the lab would have known when they thawed the 2 in December that there were none left in that 'jar', so why did they leave the account open??  This shouldn't be allowed to happen.  I didn't need a reminder right now of the loss we suffered a year ago.  I didn't need a demand for money we don't have.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Happy October?

Yeah... it's a question.  This month has 2 sad milestones... our first transfer... and the loss of those embies.  Add to that poor D's day at work yesterday.  Ok, technically September, but it's something that's going to drag on for the next 2 weeks.

D sent me a text yesterday (as he often does when he's late leaving work)... and specifically asked for a hug.  Bad sign.  I met him at the door when he got home, and he just burst into tears.  Now, you have to understand, my boy doesn't cry.  He bottles.  But yesterday was an exceptionally bad day for him.  I'm not sure of the details (because he also doesn't talk), but what I did gather was this... yesterday he had to deal with a family who were angry because items had been removed (by cemetary staff) from the crypt of their 3-year-old child.  I'm sure you can imagine the emotion involved for the family.  Bad situation in the first place... worse situation when you throw in the emotionally charged atmosphere... and worse still when you factor in that 1 year ago we were doing our first fresh IVF cycle and were full of hope that would be trampled on a short time later.  D tries to hold it together for me, but I know he's had a rough year of it, too.  Not only with all of what we've been through, but in trying to be strong for me, and seeing me fall apart over and over again.

So, I'm going to try to make myself a promise.  I'm going to let myself be as miserable as I feel the need to be this month, but October 31st is New Year's Eve, in true Celtic fashion. But... I'm also not going to beat myself to a pulp if I slip... if I have a bad day... if I break down.

I have no doubt it's going to be difficult.  There are several friends who are due in the next few months.  Our own second due date looms on the horizon.  There will doubtless be more announcements. I still don't have a job.  We are facing the very real possibility of losing our home if I don't have one by the end of January.  But I'm going to try.  I've wallowed for a year.  I don't want to be the bitter infertile any more.

Wish me luck!

Monday, August 25, 2008

3 years

Happy Anniversary!

Oh wait... perhaps not so happy. As of today, we've been 3 years hoping and praying for a child to love. Yay us. And what's this I see on the horizon? AF... yep, Mother Nature, the bane of my existence seems to have decided to add insult to injury and show up today as an anniversary present. Wench.