I used to be pretty happy with the person I was. I used to think I was pretty well adjusted and able to cope with most things that life threw at me.
I don't think that any more. And I don't think I like me.
Why?
Over the weekend we visited my in-laws. Now, I love most of my in-laws. I think they're awesome. I'm especially fond of DH's aunt & uncle who are his godparents and their kids. We don't get to see them too often, but were lucky enough to see them this weekend. Their oldest daughter moved up North a couple of years ago and it was really hard on her mom... they were always close... and she married the boy next door (literally... her mom was looking forward to her still being right next door). Anyway, MIL told us a few weeks back that this daughter was pregnant. First kick. Her mother, understandably, is excited that her little girl is going to have a baby... but unfortunately that meant a lot of talk about it when we saw them. Second kick. They don't know we're having problems... I can't hold it against them. Then they launched into a story about their daughter's friend who lives in the same town up North... and is pregnant with #7. Yes, that's right. #7. She's my age. 7 kids. And we can't seem to have one.
Later that same evening the topic of another of DH's cousins came up. She's pregnant with #3. The two she has are hellions. She "nearly died" with #2 (MIL's words... I don't know the story, so I can't comment on the accuracy of that) and her doctor apparently told her she was not, under any circumstances, to have another. Obviously this is a mature and responsible person. So, she can have a 3rd, and we can't have one.
Bitter. Cynical. Jaded. Jealous. These are the words that best describe me these days. Not good.
Worse? I can no longer seem to summon up congratulations for people who got pregnant. At all. Regardless of how long it took them or what they went through.
I had a great little community I was a regular poster in. I just can't seem to bring myself to post there any more. Why? Because I don't feel like I belong any more. These women are moving forward. They're getting pregnant and moving on. They have hope. I have no hope any more. All I have is dispair and bad memories, and in incredible fear that all any further attempts will do is rack up more dead babies who never got a chance because of me.
I don't like that person. She's not very nice. She doesn't have anything to offer except a cautionary tale.
I don't think that any more. And I don't think I like me.
Why?
Over the weekend we visited my in-laws. Now, I love most of my in-laws. I think they're awesome. I'm especially fond of DH's aunt & uncle who are his godparents and their kids. We don't get to see them too often, but were lucky enough to see them this weekend. Their oldest daughter moved up North a couple of years ago and it was really hard on her mom... they were always close... and she married the boy next door (literally... her mom was looking forward to her still being right next door). Anyway, MIL told us a few weeks back that this daughter was pregnant. First kick. Her mother, understandably, is excited that her little girl is going to have a baby... but unfortunately that meant a lot of talk about it when we saw them. Second kick. They don't know we're having problems... I can't hold it against them. Then they launched into a story about their daughter's friend who lives in the same town up North... and is pregnant with #7. Yes, that's right. #7. She's my age. 7 kids. And we can't seem to have one.
Later that same evening the topic of another of DH's cousins came up. She's pregnant with #3. The two she has are hellions. She "nearly died" with #2 (MIL's words... I don't know the story, so I can't comment on the accuracy of that) and her doctor apparently told her she was not, under any circumstances, to have another. Obviously this is a mature and responsible person. So, she can have a 3rd, and we can't have one.
Bitter. Cynical. Jaded. Jealous. These are the words that best describe me these days. Not good.
Worse? I can no longer seem to summon up congratulations for people who got pregnant. At all. Regardless of how long it took them or what they went through.
I had a great little community I was a regular poster in. I just can't seem to bring myself to post there any more. Why? Because I don't feel like I belong any more. These women are moving forward. They're getting pregnant and moving on. They have hope. I have no hope any more. All I have is dispair and bad memories, and in incredible fear that all any further attempts will do is rack up more dead babies who never got a chance because of me.
I don't like that person. She's not very nice. She doesn't have anything to offer except a cautionary tale.
5 comments:
I want to say I'm sorry things are so hard but it's seems like shallow platitudes, but I do wish things were better and happier for you both. Three of our very good friends and one colleague are pregnant. I'm happy for them all but I can't help thinking "when is it my turn".
I'm so sorry. I know things hurt alot. Too bad we don't live closer, we could be jaded cynical B$tches together. I am so angry. I know I've only been through one IVF. Yada yada. I also don't know what it's like to walk in your shoes... I know you hurt immensly. The *only* thing I know is the anger part you're talking about, and the bitterness. I can barely see my best friend anymore... (she just had one and is trying for another, and she's not even getting married until October, if that holds anything for you). Our relationship has not suffered on the outside, but on the inside I almost despise her. It's an awful, sick feeling, and I wish it would go away... it's just not me!
Anyways, I really don't have advice, other than hang on to the last bit of yourself that you have. I'm sure the old you will show up & surprise you once in awhile (where babies aren't concerned, anyways).
You'll get your good in life. You will. And the waiting & torture you have been through is the worst, and is totally not fair.
xo
Em
Ruth, you're not a bad person. You cannot help how you feel and no one is going to hold this against you. We all love you for who you are. None of us can even come close to truly knowing what you went through or what you're currently going through.
I just wish things would turn around and you could be back to moving forward :(
PS. That was me above that removed a comment because I realized my real name wasn't showing.
Ruth:
I wanted to post a really eloquent comment about how strong I think you are and how normal it is to feel how you do, but it just doesn't want to come out right. So, I'll say this. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Your presence is missed when you don't post to that board.
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