Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Happy October?

Yeah... it's a question.  This month has 2 sad milestones... our first transfer... and the loss of those embies.  Add to that poor D's day at work yesterday.  Ok, technically September, but it's something that's going to drag on for the next 2 weeks.

D sent me a text yesterday (as he often does when he's late leaving work)... and specifically asked for a hug.  Bad sign.  I met him at the door when he got home, and he just burst into tears.  Now, you have to understand, my boy doesn't cry.  He bottles.  But yesterday was an exceptionally bad day for him.  I'm not sure of the details (because he also doesn't talk), but what I did gather was this... yesterday he had to deal with a family who were angry because items had been removed (by cemetary staff) from the crypt of their 3-year-old child.  I'm sure you can imagine the emotion involved for the family.  Bad situation in the first place... worse situation when you throw in the emotionally charged atmosphere... and worse still when you factor in that 1 year ago we were doing our first fresh IVF cycle and were full of hope that would be trampled on a short time later.  D tries to hold it together for me, but I know he's had a rough year of it, too.  Not only with all of what we've been through, but in trying to be strong for me, and seeing me fall apart over and over again.

So, I'm going to try to make myself a promise.  I'm going to let myself be as miserable as I feel the need to be this month, but October 31st is New Year's Eve, in true Celtic fashion. But... I'm also not going to beat myself to a pulp if I slip... if I have a bad day... if I break down.

I have no doubt it's going to be difficult.  There are several friends who are due in the next few months.  Our own second due date looms on the horizon.  There will doubtless be more announcements. I still don't have a job.  We are facing the very real possibility of losing our home if I don't have one by the end of January.  But I'm going to try.  I've wallowed for a year.  I don't want to be the bitter infertile any more.

Wish me luck!


Pam said...

I'm sorry things aren't going they way you want, and that you're both having such a difficult time. I've been thinking of you lately. What kind of position are you looking for anyway?

Emily said...

Please, do let yourself be sad for as long as you need to be! That is natural! I'm so sorry your DH had to experience that. :( Big hugs to you over the next month.