Monday, November 17, 2008

A non-IF post

Ok... so this post has nothing to do with infertility, I just felt that I should post something here because it's been too long, and figured I'd make it this because I wanted it to be a little less 'public' (for all that this is a public blog).

So here goes.

Why do some people think that it's mature and acceptable to accuse someone of impropriety, or bad behaviour, or certain actions, by direct words or implications, and then take steps to ensure that person has no opportunity to address the accuser directly on the subject?

5 years ago, I was a member of an online forum.  There was a situation that I felt was silly.  On another forum, belonging to a friend, and with restricted membership (but sadly, not private at the time), I stated that I thought the situation was pathetic.  Not the people involved... the situation.  Well... it got reported back to the first forum as "Mums called all the members here pathetic".  I was also accused of doing things that I'd have to have been pretty farking stupid to do, and which were technically impossible.  And then I was banned, preventing me from defending myself from the slander.  Whatever, did I really want to be part of a group of people who'd believe the worst based on hearsay without looking to hear my side of the story?  Nope.  (now if only they'd stop talking about me... 5 years later *laugh*)

Anyway... while I don't miss the people who chose to bad-mouth me, the events do rankle.  So now I'm torn between pissed off and highly amused by events that came about yesterday.

I moderate a large online forum.  However, I've been taking a break from it for the past few weeks (as much as possible) because I have enough other stress in my life and don't need the petty behaviour that's been going on.  I mean, initially it was coming up to the end of October... then it was because I was being personally attacked (oddly enough, also accused of impropriety)... then it was just because I needed time away from silly arguments and wanted to see if the other moderators would step up or live up to the perception that there's only one active mod.

Unfortunately, I can't get away from it completely, because the email addy on file with them is the same one I have to check daily due to my job search.  So I see that I have private messages waiting for me, and I see the "notify moderator" messages going on and know what kind of pettiness is happening.  And that nobody else is stepping in.

Anyway.  Last night someone who was part of my friends list on facebook overstepped, and another member hit "notify moderator", so I know what was said.  But by the time I saw the message, she had been banned.  I have no idea who banned her.  I don't much care.  She was out of line and knew better.

Anyway, as part of a FB thread with several friends, I stated that I couldn't be sure why she was banned, but imagined it had to do with certain terms that she used.  And in her responses to me, the implication was made that I was blowing smoke and knew exactly why she'd been banned because I did it.  Nice.

But even better?  This same person then removed me as a friend.

1/  a note for people on message boards with a 'notify moderator' function.  Be aware that if you start using the feature a lot with the appearance of targetting one or two specific people, chances are decent that your own behaviour is also going to come under microscopic examination.  Particularly when there have been accusations of favouritism.

2/  Just because you remove someone as a friend, doesn't mean that they can't see your responses to a group thread they're already part of.

3/  It's fairly immature to make an accusation (direct or implied) and then dissallow for direct and private rebuttal.

4/  Do not make accusations or implications of impropriety about me and expect me to be ok with it.

5/  Believe me... If I banned you, I'd be more than happy to discuss why it was done and justify my actions or reverse them as appropriate based on that conversation.  I would own the action and would not say I didn't know the specifics if I had done it.

6/  I'm also happy to hold a grudge if I feel I've been maligned, abused, or treated badly.  People who undertake such actions are not worth my time and energy and will not be missed.

Ah... feels good to get that out.


Spacey said...

Ruth, I'm so sorry you have to go through this BS.

Conflicted Brain said...

Sorry, Hun.


Anonymous said...

I think you do a great job on that forum and it's unfortunate that someone you considered your friend behaves the way she does.

You're not the first "friend" to encounter this behaviour, and I'm sure you won't be the last.

Don't let the morons get you down!

Emily said...

I think that person is ridiculous to be jumping to conclusions like that. You have always done a good job there, and it's their loss. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

I too think that you do a great job on said forum. And quite frankly, the poster that was banned had it coming to her. She had been continually rude and intentionally vicious on numerous occasions, and now that she's being held accountable for it, she needs someone to blame.

Who needs enemies when you have "friends" like that?!

Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

So sorry this happened Ruth. I have watched this past "friend" in drama before and have to say that she was out of line. I always thought she was argumentative and on the edge --personally. If she sees this comment or "hears" about it, so be it.