Saturday, November 1, 2008

A sad anniversary... and a new year

I posted the first part of this yesterday in a forum I frequent, so apologies to those who've already read it.  I wanted to record my thoughts here, too.

One year ago we got confirmation that we were
miscarrying after our first IVF. I was a basket case. Actually
collapsed in tears after the news (I always thought that was just
melodrama that you see on TV... apparently not). We had pinned so much
hope on the procedure. We had been so excited when we thought it had
worked. But one short week later to have that snatched away was
devastating. I miss our little boys so much (I can't say why I'm sure
that both implanted... or why I'm sure both were boys... but in my
heart, I'm sure).

So today I'm remembering, and honouring their
memory. The memory of the time we had with them. The memories of all
the 'firsts' we've missed this year.... first breaths, first cries,
first smiles, first steps, first summer, first autumn, first halloween.

choosing to take comfort in the fact that today is also the anniversary
of the loss of my paternal grandmother. One of the strongest women I've
ever known, with a wicked sense of humour, and a very grounded view of
life. The youngest 80-year-old I ever knew. And I trust that somewhere
she's taking care of her great-granchildren.

Unfortunately, the day continuted yesterday after I wrote that... and it got a lot less philosophical and a lot more raw.

My mother called... to remind me that it was the anniversary of my grandmother's death and I should call my father.  Thanks Mom... I actually remember that it's my grandparent's anniversary... why can't you remember that it's your grandchild's?  True, they never 'met' the ones we lost, but were they not excited at the prospect of being grandparents?  Were they not upset to have that prospect snatched away?  I guess not.

I spent the day trying to keep busy... it didn't work so well.  Several soggy interludes.  When D came home, we had some shared soggy time.  We snuggled the teddy bear we bought for them when we first knew I was pregnant.  We talked of how much we loved and missed the ones who didn't stay... the ones who never had a chance to live.  My sense of failure.  Wondered what we'd done to piss off the Universe so much.  Wondered if we'd ever have a child of our own to hold (he assures me that it WILL happen).

And how tired I am of picking up the pieces when all I want is to pick up our child. *sigh*

But... true Celt that I am... today begins a New Year.  A year that will not be devoid of painful reminders and days that plainly suck, but a year that will hopefully also contain days of pure joy, and I hope, the ability to rejoice in my friends' good luck without being sucked into our own bad luck.

I'm hoping for a karmic pay-out ;)


Emily said...

Aw hon, I'm sorry. Sounds like you needed to grieve. I don't know why life sucks so muc, and why this had to happen to you.

I do know that your Grandmother IS taking good care of your boys.

((hugs)) I hope the new year brings happiness to you.

Spacey said...

Ruth, I just wanted to give you som big hugs. **HUGS**
I'm sure your grandmother is taking good care of your boys.
I hope this New Year makes all your wishes come true.
**big hugs**