Beta Day - FET

And now... we wait.

Went to the clinic this morning for my beta-hCG test. I should find out the results sometime this afternoon. Bad as it sounds, I'm not feeling very hopeful about success this time around. Maybe it's fear because of the miscarriage last time. Maybe it's because the embryos were so small this time (4 and 6 cells). Maybe it's just because I'm feeling pretty beaten about the whole process. Maybe I've been wrong all along in the most certain feeling I've ever had... maybe I'm NOT actually meant to be a mom. I shouldn't get my hopes up anyway... I should know better by now... any time I DO get my hopes up, they're surely dashed to smithereens without fail.

Either way, I just wish today was over already. 2007 has not been a good year. True, not as eventful as some years... no floods, no car crashes, no deaths of people we've known for years. But bad enough all the same... bad diagnosis, months of waiting, an IVF cycle with more needles than I ever thought I'd have to deal with in my lifetime, a BFP only to have it end in miscarriage, and FET cycle with fewer needles, but still more meds than I ever thought I'd be taking, and more needles than I care to think about. Trasvaginal ultrasounds... my girlie bits on display to more people than I ever thought would see them in such a short period of time... blood draws from painful places more often than not (they hardly ever seem to be able to find a vein in my arm... I know they're there... I can see them quite clearly... maybe next time they sould try my shoulder, 'cuz they've become even more visible there lately... whatever, just keep them away from my hands!)

I don't know where we're going to go from here if this beta comes back negative, though. More questions, maybe more testing, maybe we'll just give up.

Happy freakin' New Year.