You know what'd be nice?

It'd be really nice to not be scared stiff. It'd be really nice not to have to wait for hours after every clinic session to know if the numbers go up or down. It'd be really nice to just be able to return to the days of innocence lost, to live in the happy ignorance of those women who have had no problems getting pregnant, and no reason to think they will have any difficulty staying pregnant.

Alas, it's not to be. Today is technically 4w6d. We lost the last one at 5w3d, so I'm going to be a basket case at least until Friday. That's goal #1... hang on to this beyond 5w3d. Goal #2 is to hold on until the hCG number is high enough for an early u/s. Goal #3 is to make it to T2.

Impeding easy progress to these goals? First of all, blood work. Dragging myself into a clinic that seems to be increasingly overrun with small children to have a blood tech poke and prod at me for 10 or 15 minutes trying to find a vein (at all... one that won't collapse is then the second challenge)... heading in to work... trying to focus while I wait. And wait. And wait. And wait until my phone rings with a "private number"... then trying to ask the questions I want/need to ask knowing full well that my entire side of the conversation can be heard by anyone nearby (there's no semblance of privacy here). Then waiting to repeat it all over again 2 days later, hopefully.

Next impediment... well, the numbers starting out so darn low. I know, I know... it's not the number, it's the doubling that matters. And that seems to be off to a rip-roaring start. Seems to be. But I can't help remember last time, when the numbers tripled, tripled, then merely doubled, and then dropped.

A nice little memory wipe... that's what I need. Restore those happy days of yore when I believed that nothing in the world was easier than procreating.

Bah... I think it's going to be one of those weeks. You know the ones... when you try so hard to focus on the positive, but the more you try to focus on the positive, the more the negative seems to obscure it? Forgive my ramblings... I just need to let it out. It's a frustration thing.

You know what else sucks? Knowing that so many friends who've travelled this road before and with me will be caused pain by this sticking. Sure... they might be happy for me. Hell, I've had so many people tell me I "deserve" this to work (I'm no more deserving than anyone else, and a heck of a lot less 'deserving' than some)... people I didn't even know knew my story. Anyway, they might be happy for me, but there's a tarnish on the glow... I know it stings at the very least. And yes, it might grow to be hope because it shows that it can work... but that'll be a ways down the road. I know this, 'cuz I've been there. I've felt the sting... and then felt horrible for being stung by the success of another woman on this road.

I don't want to cause that kind of conflict and pain in anyone else.