Why... the question that keeps coming back.
Why did this happen? We did everything except put me on bedrest for 3 months to stack the deck in our favour. And yet, now we're sitting at 3 strikes. 6 dead embryos.
What's to say that we won't go through the same heartache with the kid-sicles? Nothing. So why should we bother? Because we have to.
Why are they thinking a possible ectopic? How is it possible? Because I'm a freak when it comes to most things medical. Ok, yeah... so ectopics with IVF are fairly rare (more common than regular, perhaps, but still only about 5%)... and IVF ectopics in the upper tube are damn near impossible. But that's what they think they're seeing.
Why?
Why does this keep happening?
Why do we keep losing our children?
Why do we have to go through so much just to end up heartbroken?
Why can't this just be as easy as it is for the folks who try for 6 months (OMG... it's been 6 months... this is taking forever! Don't go there)
Why can't I have the joy of going through a pregnancy a the same time as my friends?
Why do I have to deal with the anguish of conflicting feelings and causing friends discomfort because they managed to keep their children while I lost mine? I don't begrudge them their success... I revel in it... it gives me hope. But it stings at the same time. Why does the joy have to be tainted?
It all keeps coming back to "why".
But... DH and I are doing a bit better today than yesterday... and several bits better than we were on Tuesday when we first got the suggestion of bad news. And day by day things will get better... less raw... and eventually we'll pull through and move on and probably try again. Which is sad on a whole other level that I hope nobody reading this ever has to understand.
We're fighters. We're strong. We'll pull through. We'll have a few more scars, but scar tissue is tough, and at the rate we're going in our lives we'll be damn near invulnerable soon *wry smile*.
I might be quiet for a bit. We're doing things a little out of order, but I think we're through depression and denial (mostly) and are firmly seated in anger... there's no bargaining to be done, so once the anger has passed, we should be on to acceptance... or as close to acceptance as anyone who's lost a child can ever get.
Why did this happen? We did everything except put me on bedrest for 3 months to stack the deck in our favour. And yet, now we're sitting at 3 strikes. 6 dead embryos.
What's to say that we won't go through the same heartache with the kid-sicles? Nothing. So why should we bother? Because we have to.
Why are they thinking a possible ectopic? How is it possible? Because I'm a freak when it comes to most things medical. Ok, yeah... so ectopics with IVF are fairly rare (more common than regular, perhaps, but still only about 5%)... and IVF ectopics in the upper tube are damn near impossible. But that's what they think they're seeing.
Why?
Why does this keep happening?
Why do we keep losing our children?
Why do we have to go through so much just to end up heartbroken?
Why can't this just be as easy as it is for the folks who try for 6 months (OMG... it's been 6 months... this is taking forever! Don't go there)
Why can't I have the joy of going through a pregnancy a the same time as my friends?
Why do I have to deal with the anguish of conflicting feelings and causing friends discomfort because they managed to keep their children while I lost mine? I don't begrudge them their success... I revel in it... it gives me hope. But it stings at the same time. Why does the joy have to be tainted?
It all keeps coming back to "why".
But... DH and I are doing a bit better today than yesterday... and several bits better than we were on Tuesday when we first got the suggestion of bad news. And day by day things will get better... less raw... and eventually we'll pull through and move on and probably try again. Which is sad on a whole other level that I hope nobody reading this ever has to understand.
We're fighters. We're strong. We'll pull through. We'll have a few more scars, but scar tissue is tough, and at the rate we're going in our lives we'll be damn near invulnerable soon *wry smile*.
I might be quiet for a bit. We're doing things a little out of order, but I think we're through depression and denial (mostly) and are firmly seated in anger... there's no bargaining to be done, so once the anger has passed, we should be on to acceptance... or as close to acceptance as anyone who's lost a child can ever get.
2 comments:
I think anger is a key part of mourning. Especially when you're feeling that everything is out of your control. I also think it's the hardest part to overcome or, at the very least, learn to accept and live with.
I hope every morning it's a bit easier to put your feet on the floor and each day the pain diminishes.
Mums my heart continues to break for all you and D have gone through. I've said it before and I'll say it again: anything you need, anything, I'm here for you.
Take care.
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