Still waiting...

I was given the impression that after this stupid shot (well, ok, shots since there's so much of me) that things would get moving pretty darn quick.

Well, fatigue, muscle weakness, and dizzy spells all hit pretty quickly (and intermittently... I'm not sure it's entirely the meds). And there's been some cramping, but other than that, Mother Nature is just insisting on toying with me.

The shots were administered at roughly 1:20 Saturday afternoon. Yesterday morning I had some fairly significant spotting first thing in the morning (a nice dark pink). It gave me hope that the end might be in sight. But no. It had vanished within the hour. The barest brown streak first thing this morning... it too has gone back into hiding.

I just want this over, now. I'm tired of being held in limbo. I just want to be able to move on. To pick up the pieces, put them back together, get out the duct tape to hold them together, and get started on trying to heal. But can I? No. Because Mother Nature doesn't seem to think it's bad enough making me feel like I'm actively killing our kids this time around (yes, the logical part of my brain knows that there wasn't anything to kill by the time I got the shots... but logic has no place in my reality at the moment).... no, she feels the need to taunt me, to torment me with floods of CM, but nothing that might give me the start of closure.

And, of course, it's also leading me to stray down paths of thought best avoided. Like "what if the beta on Thursday is still up?" or "what if this doesn't work... I mean, it's supposed to act on 'fast multiplying cells'... except that if anything, the mass in my tube was shrinking, not growing, so there AREN'T any fast multiplying cells"

I'm back at work today, and still unable to focus, because I'm still in limbo, just like the first part of last week... just like the last 2 weeks.

Excuse me while I run down the hall screaming.